In a rut!

im not happy with my life in general. Don't get me wrong. I like my job and the people I work with. I love my church and my church family.  But ever since my David died there has been this huge whole in my life that I just can't fill. Nothing and no one can fill it. It doesn't help that I am and let's face it, will be perpetually sick. Lyme disease, hypothyroidism, occipital neuralgia, a weakened immune system. If it's not one thing it's another. The chronic pain. I'm just frustrated I guess. I just want someone to come home to after work. I want someone to keep me company when I can't sleep at almost 2 in the morning. When David was still here and I couldn't sleep, we would either watch a movie or go to Walmart and just walk around. When we still lived in California we would just go out and drive around. Looking at cars and dreaming about which one we might be able to buy some day. We just did everything together. I miss that! I miss sharing my life with someone! I never thought I would met anyone who would want to marry me. I'm not pretty and I can be so stubborn and such a bitxh and I don't like to share. But then there was David. I just love him so much and then he was gone. It's been over six years since he died and I think I miss him more now then ever. I hate being this emotional. I feel like I need to do something, get outside of my own head. But anything I do, anywhere I would go, I'd still be with myself. You can run away from a lot of things, but not the demons in your own head!

Late night ramblings...

so I'm watching Catching Fire for the umpteenth time. And I am wondering. What if a district doesn't have a mentor? Like in District 12, it's Haymitch. He is the only victor the district has ever had. What would have happened if he died? Like from alcohol poisoning? Who would have mentored Katniss and Peeta? What about other districts that rarely if ever had a victor? So there is my I can't sleep and my mind works in very strange ways thought of the night!