Becoming a foster parent

I went to my first class last night. It was very interesting. I definitely want to do the foster to adopt program. I want my home to be some child's forever home.

I suck at organization!

i try to organize my life. I really do. We bought a file cabinet to keep stuff in. Worked for awhile. Then we both stopped. Tonight I was looking for my birth certificate. Should have been in a drawer on the desk I have. Yea it's not there. Did I use it for something since David died and didn't bother to put it back? Did I move it to a safer place? I will try looking again tomorrow, but I have to admit I am organizationally challenged. Sigh!

Mothers Day....

First and foremost I love my mom. I love spending Mother's Day with her.

That said this is my least favorite day of the year. It's a constant reminder that my body failed me at its very core.

I told myself I didn't want to get married, that I didn't want children. It was a lie, all a huge lie I told myself all the time. I'm a fat woman, very fat. All through high school no one ever wanted to date me. While I was going to college I went on one date, a blind date. He said he would call me for another. Never heard from him again. So I told myself I didn't want to get married, that I didn't want children. Hurts less to lie to yourself then to admit you want something you will never have. And then there was David. He wanted me. He married me and he promised to love me forever. And then I hoped and we tried. And we tried and we never got pregnant, oh believe me we tried and we went to doctors and  it just didn't happen. I blame myself because of my weight. From most of the research I did it's harder for some to get pregnant when they are over weight. They don't produce the right amount of hormones. Too much of one, not enough of the other. No matter how you look at it I failed us, my body failed us.

So as if that wasn't bad enough at the age of forty I became a widow. Twelve years, I was only allowed to be married for twelve years. Longer then some but not nearly long enough for me. David was my best friend. We were two bruised souls just clinging to each other in this world. And then I was all alone.

I have a mother I love very, very, very much. I have a cousin and friends who are closer to me then my own sisters are. But at the end of the day I'm lying her in bed by myself. Just me and my dog and three cats. And that desire to have children that I finally allowed myself to admit has never gone away. So Mother's Day is just a cruel reminder to me of what I don't have and that I will never feel a child growing inside of me. There are women out there who give birth to children they don't want. That they abuse and/or kill. Yet I, who would have cherished any child I would have been blessed with, is barren and a widow on top of all that!

So on today as in every Mother's Day for the past let's say 15 years I am sad and bitter. Tears keep streaming. My mind understands, but my heart feels every emotion and way to much. I hate being this emotional of a person, I hate having all of these feelings.

Maybe next year will be better.