Growing up I had an extremely low opinion of myself. I was told at an early age that when my parents accidentally got pregnant with me my father was especially unhappy about it. It wasn't either of my parents who told me about that but my older sisters. I can't even remember them telling me, it's just something I have known for as long as I can remember. That really doesn't make you feel loved and wanted. As I got older my middle sister and I did not get along. She is nine years older then I am. We are very much alike which is probably why we didn't/don't get along. The day before she got married our family dog died. At her wedding I was crying. Everyone thought it was because she was getting married and leaving home. I was crying because my dog died. I was glad she was getting married and leaving home. And I am sure she was equally glad when I moved to California. She would only have to deal with me at the holidays.
But then I came back eight years later. And this all has very little to do with why I am so emotional tonight.
Yesterday, May 31 would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. I miss David so much. Too much I think, or I should say I'm afraid. I'm a Pisces and it's very true what they say about Pisces being very emotional, having great empathy. I am not a people person, I am a people pleaser. And it's why I get used so often by "friends" and probably even "family" even though I keep telling myself I won't let it happen, I still do because I want them to like me. I want them be part of my life, but they only want me when they need something.
It's because of that, that I feel so all alone at times like this. I miss my husband so much. Even though throughout our marriage I was convinced he would leave when he found someone better. And I guess now I know why I posted what I did above. It's because of the emotional scares I still have from my childhood that I felt that way about my husband. No matter how many times he told me I was beautiful I never believed him.
When you are told enough times you are ugly, how fat you are, that you have no talent, and that you were never wanted from day one. Well it sticks with you and makes for a very insecure child, teenager, and even adult. Physical wounds heal, you don't forget them, but they heal. Verbal/psychological scares never go away, no matter how much you want them to.
I wish I had understood this when David was alive. Maybe I would have believed him when he told me I was beautiful. Maybe after hearing it enough it would have coated at least some of those scares. Then maybe I would understand why he loved me and that he wasn't just waiting to leave me for someone better.
Be careful with your words. They can do more damage then a fist sometimes. Love and compassion can go so much farther then hate and jealousy.
