Another Christmas without you...

This is my eighth Christ,as since David died. Christmas is hard, it's been hard for years. Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Jesus. But it is a holiday for and about families. The longer David and I went without having children the less and less I enjoyed it. Then David was taken from me as well. Then what a year or two after that my sisters decided to take Christmas Eve away from me and my mother as well. So it seems that in the past 10+ years Christmas has just been harder and harder for me to find any joy in. I try, I really do. I shop for the only two people I give gifts to. I put up the decorations. I wear the jewelry and what not. But when it's all said and done I still end up sitting here crying and not feeling in the Christmas spirit. I wish I knew how to find it again, I really do. But I don't, and it just keeps getting worse as the years go by. I'm lonely, just so so lonely. I just want my husband back. I don't want to be sick and/or in pain all the time. I want the family I dreamed of having. I've hit midlife and found that it's nothing I ever hoped it would be.im tired of pretending to be happy. It's very tiring. Plus when you put on the happy face all the time people don't get it when you actually show how your really feeling. I am sad probably 90% of the time but try very hard not to let it show. It really just wears you down. And I'm tired of being a people pleaser!