I don't even know...

When I thought about starting a blog I had two thoughts about it. I want it to be funny or witty or whatever. But I also needed a place to just unload. This blog is in no way shape or form funny or witty. I can be funny in person, I like making people laugh or even just smile. What they don't know is, it's a defense mechanism. I feel like if I'm not on, not making people laugh or whatever they won't like me, won't want to be around me. Growing up friends left me, for someone or something better. I knew being fat was a huge turn off. If it's bad as a kid it's even worse as an adult. I don't even like looking in the mirror, I see what I look like. I know I'm a huge turn off. I'm fat and ugly and depressing. I'm not saying this for sympathy, it's just a fact of my life. I never thought I would get married. No one ever asked me out in high school, no one. Well there was one night at a party that a guy wanted to have sex, but that was more of taking my virginity type thing. I don't even know who he was, and he never asked me out on a date. While in college my mother Ste me up on a blind date. It was a co-workers son. I thought it went well, but I never heard from again. Then I moved to California. There I dated two men, two! One lasted three dates but it ended, well if I understood then what I do now let's just say hopefully he would still be in jail. I'm sure I wasn't the first woman he did that to and I doubt I was the last. The second guy was my David. Until he died I didn't truly believe that he loved me just for me. I thought like people in the past he was using me as a way to get out of his parents home. Looking back I know he loved me. Who moves from sunny California to Indiana where it can be so frigid during the winter, unless it's love? Plus let's face California has so much more going for it entertainment wise versus Indiana. There's the ocean, the mountains, and Disneyland just to name a few. But he did love me and I even though I was afraid it wasn't true, I was still terrified of losing him. I knew he was it. When your track record of dating is as awful as mine was you cling to the one who was willing to marry you, despite how I looked and how clingy and I don't know paranoid I was about losing him. I was 28 when I got married, I know that isn't that old in the grand scheme of things, but when you think you you will never get married, when it seems like everyone your age is already married with one or more children. Well it feels very old. And here I'm turning 48 next month. All alone, very hope and dream David and I had long gone. We wanted children, we desperately wanted them. But we never got to have them. I read all these stories of people abusing their babies, of killing them, and I sit here wondering why did they get to have that precious child but we didn't. I'm going to grow old alone. Today's sermon at church was about dying. Most people fear dying. I don't, I fear living. I fear living another forty years by myself. I am very close to my mother but I know I am going to lose her some day, we all know it will happen. I have sisters, nephews, and nieces. But I am not important in their lives. I get it, I'm just the aunt, I need them far more then they need or want me. Doesn't make it hurt any less though. I'm tired of putting on the happy face. Everyone thinking everything is okay just because I try not to show how much it isn't. I'm sad all the time. I'm angry a lot of the time. I'm frustrated all the time. I'm overwhelmed by life in general, especially trying to help my mom. My sisters claim to be concerned but I don't see them stepping up to help her. I don't see them calling to check on her. I don't see them trying to make sure she is eating correctly. Their excuse is that I am doing it, but I shouldn't be the only one doing it damn it! The excuse used to be that they have children and I don't. That it meant I had more time to do things for her/with her that they didn't. Their children are grown so what is their excuse now? Seven years ago when David died they all told me they would be here for me. They haven't, they just haven't. When your own family doesn't want you, why would you think anyone else would? So back to today's sermon. Like I said I don't fear death, I welcome it. I wish it would come sooner rather then later. I don't know how much longer I can handle this whole being a widow thing. Knowing I had love, real love right in front of me and now it's gone. That I will die alone. I wanted to grow old with my husband. I wanted us to have children and grandchildren. I wanted us to be able to travel, experience life together. But it wasn't in the cards for me. Instead it's me, my dog and cats. Thank God they are so dependent on me, if they understood just how miserable of a person I am, I'm sure they would run away from here as fast as possible. So yeah definitely not funny or witty.