3rd blog prompt

Three things that scare me, and why? I'm afraid of growing old alone. Of never being part of a family. Of never feeling loved for me, for who I am. Okay so all three things that scare me tie in together. The fear of being alone, of not fitting in. I know I'm not the only person who has this fear. And that should bring me some comfort, but it doesn't. I never thought I'd get married. But I did. But because he cheated on me it made me doubt everything. I never believed he loved me just for me. I thought I was just a way for him to get away from his parents. But by all accounts he loved me. I wish I believed it was true, but I don't. I'm just not loveable. I'm to emotional, I'm to needy, to clingy. I'm a huge turn off, I know I am. But he did marry me, so we were supposed to grow old together. We were supposed to have a family together, even if that meant adopting. But he died on me. So my biggest fear of growing old alone, never having a family of my own. They are very real fears. And the never being loved for me. Well Chad again proved I'm not very loveable. He was just using me, he needed someone who would do anything he wanted, and I was just stupid enough to do it. I just want someone to love me for me, someone to grow old with. Someone that I still might be able to have a family with.

Dealing with anxiety/depression...

Prompt #2 Describe how you want your life to look in 5, 10 and 20 years. Honestly whether it's 5, 10, or 20 years from now I ultimately want the same thing. I want a family of my own. I've always envied my sisters families and now their children's families. Yes my oldest sister is now divorced. And my middle sister has been in a loveless marriage for as long as I can remember. But they have children, I want children. But here's the rub, my marriage was a good solid strong marriage. It wasn't perfect, we argued like any couple does. But at the end of the day we loved each other. So as much as I want children, I want to be married even more. I want him to be my best friend, my champion. And I want to be that for him. I think I might be with that guy. He's so much like David, not exactly but close enough. So that's what I want my future to look like. I want to grow old with him. If we somehow manage to have children great. If not that's great too! Having a strong relationship means so much more to me. Looking back I realize that now.

The September prompts...

Didn't work like I planned. Mostly cause I kept forgetting lol! I have depression and anxiety. So I just saw a post on Pinterest with 50 blog ideas for people with depression and anxiety. Seems like it will be a much better topic for me. Especially since I've been struggling with my depression lately. The first thought was to write about a difficult time in my life that I made it through. Well the most difficult thing I've ever lived through was my husband dying. I miss him so much and still blame myself for his death on many levels. It will be eight years next month since he died. Sometimes I still hope I'll wake up and it will be a bad dream or something. But the reality of it hits me in the face almost daily. And I wonder why God felts I needed to go through this. What was I supposed to learn? How was I supposed to change? If I had the answer to these questions it would make life much easier.

How can I improve myself?

So today's prompt asks me to name a way I can improve myself this week. Well I need to stop putting myself down. Start believing I'm worthy. Of people's time, of their affection, of their love. Too often I sell myself short. When someone doesn't want to be around me, I always assume it's me that's the problem. And sure sometimes it is me, I'm far from perfect. But other times it's the other person that's the problem. I need to realize it can be either way before I put all the blame on me. That's how I'm going to work on improving myself this week!

I enjoy writing......

I just don't always know what to write about. So I'm going to use the writing prompts I've found on Pinterest. They have different ones for each month, and one for each day in those months. Yes I missed the first three days on September, but I'm okay with that lol. Today's prompt was to write about something I want to accomplish this week. Well the easy answer is doing the dishes and the laundry. Of course I need to accomplish those two things all the time. I'm just often lazy and a procrastinator. If the prompt meant something bigger, something I'm not supposed to be doing all the time? I honestly have no clue. Maybe be brave about something? If that's the case I already accomplished it. I'm seeing a new guy. I'm afraid to ask to much of him. Afraid it will push him away. But yet if he wants to be with me, shouldn't he want to meet my family and friends? He did meet my mom yesterday. I got up the courage and asked him if he would go to a party at a friends house. Problem is the party is on a Saturday night and he generally works Saturday night. He said we'll see but he makes no promises. It's better than an outright no. And I did ask him even though I was afraid to do it. So I already accomplished something this week!

Being morbidly obese....

I've been overweight almost my entire life. I've done diets, taken over the counter diet pills. I lose weight I gain weight. It has been a never ending struggle. It's not that I'm addicted to food, it's that I'm addicted to food that is bad for you. But August 2016 I went to a seminar at the local bariatric center and decided it was time to change my life forever! I started on the path to permanent weight loss. My highest weight was 328, day of seminar it was 317. I was finally able to have surgery on June 20, 2017. My weight that day was 275. Today August 17, 2017, just three days shy of two months post op my weight is 237. Nine more pounds and I will be down 100 pounds from my highest weight ever, 100 pounds!!! But don't let anyone tell you weight loss surgery is the easy way out. It's a tool that forces you to eat better, to eat the proper proportions of food. Giving up bread, pasta, and rice are the really hard ones. Especially bread! I hardly ever kept it at home, but never realized how many sandwiches I got picking up food. Because it's cheaper and easier then healthier options. Between that and drinking pop, it's why I got so big. But easy is no longer an option. I have to think about every single thing I put in my mouth, every single thing! But it will all be worth it in the end!!

Once an overthink/worrier always an over thinker/worrier!

I hate that about myself. I overthink literally everything! I worry about everything! Oh yea and I have trust issues. I wish I could figure out how to change those bad habits. I'm trying I really am. I've gotten together with the new guy a second time. It went well I think. I suck at judging that stuff. And unfortunately since then he has been super busy at work. I get this, I really do. But my fat girl issues always rears its ugly head. I worry if I don't hear from him. That maybe he came to his senses and doesn't really want to see me again. But he does, he says he does. I knew this week and next week we wouldn't be able to see each other. But then I don't even get a text from him. I have to try and remember that not all guys are good at communication. He gives me one word responses to my five sentences lol! So my dear girl back off! Don't smother the boy or you will scare him off. As long as he says he wants to see you again, trust that he is telling you the truth. And this is all so much easier said then done! SIGH!

I'm happy!

I got together with a guy the other day. I met him online. He is already fulfilling a space in my life that has always been missing. Something even David wasn't able to give me. And I don't even feel guilty about it. I am choosing to allow myself to be happy, and if that takes me down yet another path then so be it. I have to allow myself to be happy. No one is going to give it to me, I have to take it. Life is short and yolk and all that. He's a nice guy, and we have mutual interests and we are already forming a friendship that no matter what I hope to have forever. I didn't realize how much I missed having a male friend until I started texting him. Then after meeting him, well I knew I was unhappy but didn't realize just how unhappy I've really been. Don't let anyone put barriers between you and being happy, unless what makes you happy is illegal, then there should always be barriers lol!! Did I mention that I'm happy? :D

Death...

In the years since my David died there have been many people I know who have passed on. Most of them from my church. Usually elderly, or they had cancer. I'm not saying their deaths mean nothing. I know their friends and family grieve for them. It is never easy to lose someone you love or care about. In the time since David's death there have been three that touched me more the any of the others. When my friend Ann died, it just felt like such a shock to me. She had a lung disease, where your lungs harden making it harder and harder for you to get enough oxygen to breath. She had had a surgery to hopefully give her at least another year of life. She died two days after the surgery. I was devastated! Went to the bathroom at worked and sobbed. That was two years ago, I still miss her. Two weeks ago a classmate of mine died. Suddenly out of the blue, and while on duty. His death made his wife a widow twice now. Twice! At my age, she has lost two husbands. I can't even imagine! I'm still struggling with loosing David! Then on Tuesday we found out one of our customers had died over the weekend. Al was a dirty old man. I don't say it in the negative way. He loved to flirt with each and everyone of us. He could, and did, take anything we said and made it sexual. He could make me blush so much! He made me feel pretty when I never feel pretty. I miss him! I can't believe he won't come into the bank ever again. He will never call me dumpling ever again. I know he is now pain free, and I am oh so grateful for that. But I miss him! I hate death, I hate it with a passion!!

I really don't like myself!

I'm going to be 48 in just over two weeks. 48!!! And what do I have to show for it? Nothing absolutely nothing. I'm a widow, who was never able to have children. I am surrounded by family member who seem to be able to get pregnant by just looking at each other. I'm old, I'm jealous and I'm bitter! I'm tired all of the time. My headache is so bad right now I could scream! I'm on more medication than I ever thought I would be. My knees are in almost constant pain. My nerve endings often feel like they are on fire. I suck at my job!! David was the happy go lucky person. I should have died instead of him. I'm so completely and utterly unhappy and just so worthless. There is nothing that seems to bring me joy or happiness. I'm short tempered and take it out on the people around me. I just wish I could hibernate or just go to sleep and not wake up. I hate feeling this way. I miss my husband. It wouldn't be nearly as bad to be barren if I at least still had my husband. At least then I wouldn't be so all alone all of the time. :-(

I don't even know...

When I thought about starting a blog I had two thoughts about it. I want it to be funny or witty or whatever. But I also needed a place to just unload. This blog is in no way shape or form funny or witty. I can be funny in person, I like making people laugh or even just smile. What they don't know is, it's a defense mechanism. I feel like if I'm not on, not making people laugh or whatever they won't like me, won't want to be around me. Growing up friends left me, for someone or something better. I knew being fat was a huge turn off. If it's bad as a kid it's even worse as an adult. I don't even like looking in the mirror, I see what I look like. I know I'm a huge turn off. I'm fat and ugly and depressing. I'm not saying this for sympathy, it's just a fact of my life. I never thought I would get married. No one ever asked me out in high school, no one. Well there was one night at a party that a guy wanted to have sex, but that was more of taking my virginity type thing. I don't even know who he was, and he never asked me out on a date. While in college my mother Ste me up on a blind date. It was a co-workers son. I thought it went well, but I never heard from again. Then I moved to California. There I dated two men, two! One lasted three dates but it ended, well if I understood then what I do now let's just say hopefully he would still be in jail. I'm sure I wasn't the first woman he did that to and I doubt I was the last. The second guy was my David. Until he died I didn't truly believe that he loved me just for me. I thought like people in the past he was using me as a way to get out of his parents home. Looking back I know he loved me. Who moves from sunny California to Indiana where it can be so frigid during the winter, unless it's love? Plus let's face California has so much more going for it entertainment wise versus Indiana. There's the ocean, the mountains, and Disneyland just to name a few. But he did love me and I even though I was afraid it wasn't true, I was still terrified of losing him. I knew he was it. When your track record of dating is as awful as mine was you cling to the one who was willing to marry you, despite how I looked and how clingy and I don't know paranoid I was about losing him. I was 28 when I got married, I know that isn't that old in the grand scheme of things, but when you think you you will never get married, when it seems like everyone your age is already married with one or more children. Well it feels very old. And here I'm turning 48 next month. All alone, very hope and dream David and I had long gone. We wanted children, we desperately wanted them. But we never got to have them. I read all these stories of people abusing their babies, of killing them, and I sit here wondering why did they get to have that precious child but we didn't. I'm going to grow old alone. Today's sermon at church was about dying. Most people fear dying. I don't, I fear living. I fear living another forty years by myself. I am very close to my mother but I know I am going to lose her some day, we all know it will happen. I have sisters, nephews, and nieces. But I am not important in their lives. I get it, I'm just the aunt, I need them far more then they need or want me. Doesn't make it hurt any less though. I'm tired of putting on the happy face. Everyone thinking everything is okay just because I try not to show how much it isn't. I'm sad all the time. I'm angry a lot of the time. I'm frustrated all the time. I'm overwhelmed by life in general, especially trying to help my mom. My sisters claim to be concerned but I don't see them stepping up to help her. I don't see them calling to check on her. I don't see them trying to make sure she is eating correctly. Their excuse is that I am doing it, but I shouldn't be the only one doing it damn it! The excuse used to be that they have children and I don't. That it meant I had more time to do things for her/with her that they didn't. Their children are grown so what is their excuse now? Seven years ago when David died they all told me they would be here for me. They haven't, they just haven't. When your own family doesn't want you, why would you think anyone else would? So back to today's sermon. Like I said I don't fear death, I welcome it. I wish it would come sooner rather then later. I don't know how much longer I can handle this whole being a widow thing. Knowing I had love, real love right in front of me and now it's gone. That I will die alone. I wanted to grow old with my husband. I wanted us to have children and grandchildren. I wanted us to be able to travel, experience life together. But it wasn't in the cards for me. Instead it's me, my dog and cats. Thank God they are so dependent on me, if they understood just how miserable of a person I am, I'm sure they would run away from here as fast as possible. So yeah definitely not funny or witty.

Another Christmas without you...

This is my eighth Christ,as since David died. Christmas is hard, it's been hard for years. Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Jesus. But it is a holiday for and about families. The longer David and I went without having children the less and less I enjoyed it. Then David was taken from me as well. Then what a year or two after that my sisters decided to take Christmas Eve away from me and my mother as well. So it seems that in the past 10+ years Christmas has just been harder and harder for me to find any joy in. I try, I really do. I shop for the only two people I give gifts to. I put up the decorations. I wear the jewelry and what not. But when it's all said and done I still end up sitting here crying and not feeling in the Christmas spirit. I wish I knew how to find it again, I really do. But I don't, and it just keeps getting worse as the years go by. I'm lonely, just so so lonely. I just want my husband back. I don't want to be sick and/or in pain all the time. I want the family I dreamed of having. I've hit midlife and found that it's nothing I ever hoped it would be.im tired of pretending to be happy. It's very tiring. Plus when you put on the happy face all the time people don't get it when you actually show how your really feeling. I am sad probably 90% of the time but try very hard not to let it show. It really just wears you down. And I'm tired of being a people pleaser!

The holidays

The most wonderful time of the year. Unless you happen to be a childless widow. I love my mother, I truly do, but she isn't enough. Plus I have to deal with the daily knowledge that any day could be her last one. Then what do I do? People who know my family would say well you have two sisters and all of those nieces and nephews and great nieces and great nephews. And I'm not saying they don't love me, but they really aren't here for me. I have gotten more comfort and support from people I barely know. Ask me how many times my sisters have called me to check on me since my husband died. That would be zero times in the past seven years. Same goes for my nieces and nephews. Now one nephews wife did call me on my first birthday after David died, and that meant a lot to me. But unless they need me for something I don't exist in their lives. On two separate occasions I have had a niece say she just wants to spend time with her family. Guess I'm not family. I thought I was. I was always there for them when they were growing up. Good enough to buy whatever fund raiser stuff they were selling. Good enough to show up and support them at all of their sporting events. But other then that I'm not really family to them. People will tell me I shouldn't let it bother me. That I have friends who more then make up for the family I don't seem to have. But it does bother me. These people are my blood. We are supposed to be there for each other. That's what I was raised to believe. You know the tv show Star Trek the Next Generation? I wish I was like Data, I wish I had no feelings, no emotions. I wish I could just turn it off and not care what others think of me. I wish I could just ignore how I feel, and not let it eat at me. I wish I didn't want to die, right now at this very minute. I wish my family felt like I was worth having around even when they don't need me. I wish they understood I would do anything for them. I wish I wasn't sitting here feeling so damned sorry for myself. I wish my husband was here so he could tell me he at least loves me. But guess what, he's dead and he is in Heaven where he no longer has to worry about such things. But I'm still stuck here on Earth. I'm stuck here without him. The one and only man who ever wanted to be with me just because he wanted to. I'm tired of being alone. It might not be so bad if I hadn't ever been with David. But I was with him and now I know what it feels like to be loved. So it makes being alone even harder. And never being able to have children with David makes it all even that much harder. I'm old, I'm sick all the time, and I really just want to go to sleep and wake up in David's arms. I just don't know how much fight I have left in me. I just don't think I can keep doing this much longer. And I don't understand why I should have to.

Politics should be a 4 letter word!

when I was growing up I remember being taught in history class that the Civil War sometimes pitted brother against brother. Nothing much has changed in America to be honest. Only its Democrats against Republicans. We all feel so strongly about our side. Why we vote the way we do. And as a democrat I have to say I am shocked and appalled that Donald Trump was elected president. I get that others didn't like Hillary Clinton, I understand it. She wasn't my first choice, she wasn't even my second. But I understand working with what you have. She just makes so much more sense to me then he does.

Trump made fun of a disabled man, at one of his events, on camera. He couldn't deny it happened, he did it on purpose! That right there made me never want to vote for him ever, for anything. But it kept getting worse. He talked about being able to sexually harass women, because he can, because he is a celebrity. He offended Hispanics, black people, Muslims, pretty much everyone you could think of except white men. And yet somehow he wins the election? The people he wants to work in his administration, well some of them are very scary to me and millions of Americans. They seem to want an all white America. Not the melting pot we have now. What does this mean for those who are African Americans, Jewish, Muslim, Hispanic, Asian, and so on?

He has won the electoral college while Clinton is currently 2 million votes ahead of him in the popular vote. There is much talk about getting rid of the electoral college and going just with the popular vote. People argue that would give some states more voting power then others. For example California because it goes blue would be able to tip the vote. But if you look at how people vote it isn't all blue votes, there are a lot of red votes in that state as well. What about me living here in Indiana? My blue vote means absolutely nothing if we continue to use the electoral college. Since I was able to vote at the age of 18 my state has only gone blue once and that was 2008 for Pres. Barack Obama, and I'm proud that my vote actually counted for that election!

Here is just a sample of what America's votes would look like if we went just popular vote.

You see very blue areas and very red areas. But look at all of the shades of purple, where the blues and the Reds overlap. Because that is what America is, we are various shades of purple. We are blues and reds that work together, live together, shop together, go to movies together, dine together.... We are a melting pot and if that map doesn't prove it I don't know what does. We need to get rid of the electoral college, it is outdated and no longer represents America! A few swing states currently decides who wins the election. The rest of us do not count in the lead when it comes to who our president is. Don't you want your vote to count?

Regardless though I beg of you. Respect your fellow man. Treat them with the same respect you want to be treated with. And remember why this country was founded the way it was. Freedom of Religion, of meaning all typ s of religion, not just Christians. It was a country where people came for freedoms, and because it was such a great place to come. Where you could make something of yourself. Yes do it legally, but it should not matter what country they come from and what religion you do or don't follow.

Where do I begin?

Unless you live under a rock you know about the tapes that have been leaked from 2005 where Donald Trump discusses sexually assaulting women. He says he kisses them whenever he wants, he grabs their p*~say whenever he wants. He can do it because he is a celebrity and can get away with it. He also tried to have sex with a married woman, but she didn't allow it to happen. Keep in mind he was 59 at the time, not some teenager or 20something. I would expect to hear this kind of stuff coming from Justin Beiber, and it would be just as awful from him. Keep in mind Trump was now married to Melania who was pregnant at the time.

But listening to him talk about how he could get away with this triggered an event in my life I prefer to forget even happened.

I am from Indiana, but moved to California when I was 25 to do an internship at "The Young and the Restless". From that internship I got a job at Witt-Thomas productions. From there I went to Universal Studios. It was there that I met A. We had been working together for well over a year. We went on three dates. On the second date he tried going further then I was prepared to go. I was a 28 year old virgin who didn't intend to have sex unless I was in love with the man. I didn't know how I felt about A. I mean it was only a second date and I didn't have that "feeling" about him. I'm not saying it might not have come in time, but at that point I wasn't there yet. He backed off right away, it made me feel good about him. Third date we decided to stay in and watch movies, I made margaritas. I made them, so I know they weren't that strong.

I was on my second margarita and I really don't remember anything after that. I woke up the next morning with him in my bed. I also knew physically that I was no longer a virgin. I blamed myself. Figured I made the margarita stronger then I had thought. Though I had agreed to sleep with him. Just couldn't see it all happening any other way. He left, and that was the last time I went out with him. I just didn't feel comfortable with the thought of dating him anymore.

A few months later another guy who also worked at Universal, but in a different area, asked me out. We had been on multiple dates when A cornered me in the office and asked me if I had met little David, or had he broken me. That was my first anxiety attack. I was shaking so hard and could barely breath. I ended up going to the nurse. I told her what had happened and she said I should enjoy a guy fighting over me while I was young. That made the anxiety attack even worse!

I ended up talking to a different nurse who was far more compassionate. She had me fill out a report for workplace sexual harassment. That was the last day I worked there. Every time I got near it I would have an anxiety attack. Even then I couldn't admit that A had raped me. I continued to blame myself. To say if I hadn't dated him, or had the margaritas. That it was all my fault.

David was so understanding about it all. He wanted to beat A up, but I told him that wouldn't help me. He was so wonderful about it all. I had known on our first date he was the one. I had fallen in love. He just made me feel loved and wanted and appreciated. He took it very slow, went at my pace. He is the only man I have ever made love with. It wasn't until after his death, when I was doing my grief counseling that it all came out. I guess I was wounded enough to finally talk about it, this was the first time I had ever talked to anyone about that night, not even David knew the true details. How do you tell your husband that? He knew he wasn't my first, but he didn't know how it had happened.

After talking it all out, every painful details. It's fairly obvious that A slipped something into my drink. Even when I have had a lot more then two margaritas I have never blacked out like that. So A decided he was going to have sex with me whether I wanted to or not. What happened that night was not my fault, I did nothing to make or allow that to happen. I was raped plain and simple.

Certain smells are still triggers, like the stuff he put in his hair. If I smell that I start to shake. Listening to Trump talk about woman the way he did is an absolute trigger. He, much like A, thinks he is Gods gift to women. And that he should be able to have whoever he wants when he wants it.

#notokay

Too many emotions....

Growing up I had an extremely low opinion of myself. I was told at an early age that when my parents accidentally got pregnant with me my father was especially unhappy about it. It wasn't either of my parents who told me about that but my older sisters. I can't even remember them telling me, it's just something I have known for as long as I can remember. That really doesn't make you feel loved and wanted. As I got older my middle sister and I did not get along. She is nine years older then I am. We are very much alike which is probably why we didn't/don't get along. The day before she got married our family dog died. At her wedding I was crying. Everyone thought it was because she was getting married and leaving home. I was crying because my dog died. I was glad she was getting married and leaving home. And I am sure she was equally glad when I moved to California. She would only have to deal with me at the holidays.

But then I came back eight years later. And this all has very little to do with why I am so emotional tonight.

Yesterday, May 31 would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. I miss David so much. Too much I think, or I should say I'm afraid. I'm a Pisces and it's very true what they say about Pisces being very emotional, having great empathy. I am not a people person, I am a people pleaser. And it's why I get used so often by "friends" and probably even "family" even though I keep telling myself I won't let it happen, I still do because I want them to like me. I want them be part of my life, but they only want me when they need something.

It's because of that, that I feel so all alone at times like this. I miss my husband so much. Even though throughout our marriage I was convinced he would leave when he found someone better. And I guess now I know why I posted what I did above. It's because of the emotional scares I still have from my childhood that I felt that way about my husband. No matter how many times he told me I was beautiful I never believed him.

When you are told enough times you are ugly, how fat you are, that you have no talent, and that you were never wanted from day one. Well it sticks with you and makes for a very insecure child, teenager, and even adult. Physical wounds heal, you don't forget them, but they heal. Verbal/psychological scares never go away, no matter how much you want them to.

I wish I had understood this when David was alive. Maybe I would have believed him when he told me I was beautiful. Maybe after hearing it enough it would have coated at least some of those scares. Then maybe I would understand why he loved me and that he wasn't just waiting to leave me for someone better.

Be careful with your words. They can do more damage then a fist sometimes. Love and compassion can go so much farther then hate and jealousy.

Becoming a foster parent

I went to my first class last night. It was very interesting. I definitely want to do the foster to adopt program. I want my home to be some child's forever home.

I suck at organization!

i try to organize my life. I really do. We bought a file cabinet to keep stuff in. Worked for awhile. Then we both stopped. Tonight I was looking for my birth certificate. Should have been in a drawer on the desk I have. Yea it's not there. Did I use it for something since David died and didn't bother to put it back? Did I move it to a safer place? I will try looking again tomorrow, but I have to admit I am organizationally challenged. Sigh!

Mothers Day....

First and foremost I love my mom. I love spending Mother's Day with her.

That said this is my least favorite day of the year. It's a constant reminder that my body failed me at its very core.

I told myself I didn't want to get married, that I didn't want children. It was a lie, all a huge lie I told myself all the time. I'm a fat woman, very fat. All through high school no one ever wanted to date me. While I was going to college I went on one date, a blind date. He said he would call me for another. Never heard from him again. So I told myself I didn't want to get married, that I didn't want children. Hurts less to lie to yourself then to admit you want something you will never have. And then there was David. He wanted me. He married me and he promised to love me forever. And then I hoped and we tried. And we tried and we never got pregnant, oh believe me we tried and we went to doctors and  it just didn't happen. I blame myself because of my weight. From most of the research I did it's harder for some to get pregnant when they are over weight. They don't produce the right amount of hormones. Too much of one, not enough of the other. No matter how you look at it I failed us, my body failed us.

So as if that wasn't bad enough at the age of forty I became a widow. Twelve years, I was only allowed to be married for twelve years. Longer then some but not nearly long enough for me. David was my best friend. We were two bruised souls just clinging to each other in this world. And then I was all alone.

I have a mother I love very, very, very much. I have a cousin and friends who are closer to me then my own sisters are. But at the end of the day I'm lying her in bed by myself. Just me and my dog and three cats. And that desire to have children that I finally allowed myself to admit has never gone away. So Mother's Day is just a cruel reminder to me of what I don't have and that I will never feel a child growing inside of me. There are women out there who give birth to children they don't want. That they abuse and/or kill. Yet I, who would have cherished any child I would have been blessed with, is barren and a widow on top of all that!

So on today as in every Mother's Day for the past let's say 15 years I am sad and bitter. Tears keep streaming. My mind understands, but my heart feels every emotion and way to much. I hate being this emotional of a person, I hate having all of these feelings.

Maybe next year will be better.

Tracfone.....

So I got my replacement phone. Activated within five minutes of me doing the transfer. So far it is a much better phone. Hopefully I never go through that again!