I'm happy!

I got together with a guy the other day. I met him online. He is already fulfilling a space in my life that has always been missing. Something even David wasn't able to give me. And I don't even feel guilty about it. I am choosing to allow myself to be happy, and if that takes me down yet another path then so be it. I have to allow myself to be happy. No one is going to give it to me, I have to take it. Life is short and yolk and all that. He's a nice guy, and we have mutual interests and we are already forming a friendship that no matter what I hope to have forever. I didn't realize how much I missed having a male friend until I started texting him. Then after meeting him, well I knew I was unhappy but didn't realize just how unhappy I've really been. Don't let anyone put barriers between you and being happy, unless what makes you happy is illegal, then there should always be barriers lol!! Did I mention that I'm happy? :D

Death...

In the years since my David died there have been many people I know who have passed on. Most of them from my church. Usually elderly, or they had cancer. I'm not saying their deaths mean nothing. I know their friends and family grieve for them. It is never easy to lose someone you love or care about. In the time since David's death there have been three that touched me more the any of the others. When my friend Ann died, it just felt like such a shock to me. She had a lung disease, where your lungs harden making it harder and harder for you to get enough oxygen to breath. She had had a surgery to hopefully give her at least another year of life. She died two days after the surgery. I was devastated! Went to the bathroom at worked and sobbed. That was two years ago, I still miss her. Two weeks ago a classmate of mine died. Suddenly out of the blue, and while on duty. His death made his wife a widow twice now. Twice! At my age, she has lost two husbands. I can't even imagine! I'm still struggling with loosing David! Then on Tuesday we found out one of our customers had died over the weekend. Al was a dirty old man. I don't say it in the negative way. He loved to flirt with each and everyone of us. He could, and did, take anything we said and made it sexual. He could make me blush so much! He made me feel pretty when I never feel pretty. I miss him! I can't believe he won't come into the bank ever again. He will never call me dumpling ever again. I know he is now pain free, and I am oh so grateful for that. But I miss him! I hate death, I hate it with a passion!!

I really don't like myself!

I'm going to be 48 in just over two weeks. 48!!! And what do I have to show for it? Nothing absolutely nothing. I'm a widow, who was never able to have children. I am surrounded by family member who seem to be able to get pregnant by just looking at each other. I'm old, I'm jealous and I'm bitter! I'm tired all of the time. My headache is so bad right now I could scream! I'm on more medication than I ever thought I would be. My knees are in almost constant pain. My nerve endings often feel like they are on fire. I suck at my job!! David was the happy go lucky person. I should have died instead of him. I'm so completely and utterly unhappy and just so worthless. There is nothing that seems to bring me joy or happiness. I'm short tempered and take it out on the people around me. I just wish I could hibernate or just go to sleep and not wake up. I hate feeling this way. I miss my husband. It wouldn't be nearly as bad to be barren if I at least still had my husband. At least then I wouldn't be so all alone all of the time. :-(

I don't even know...

When I thought about starting a blog I had two thoughts about it. I want it to be funny or witty or whatever. But I also needed a place to just unload. This blog is in no way shape or form funny or witty. I can be funny in person, I like making people laugh or even just smile. What they don't know is, it's a defense mechanism. I feel like if I'm not on, not making people laugh or whatever they won't like me, won't want to be around me. Growing up friends left me, for someone or something better. I knew being fat was a huge turn off. If it's bad as a kid it's even worse as an adult. I don't even like looking in the mirror, I see what I look like. I know I'm a huge turn off. I'm fat and ugly and depressing. I'm not saying this for sympathy, it's just a fact of my life. I never thought I would get married. No one ever asked me out in high school, no one. Well there was one night at a party that a guy wanted to have sex, but that was more of taking my virginity type thing. I don't even know who he was, and he never asked me out on a date. While in college my mother Ste me up on a blind date. It was a co-workers son. I thought it went well, but I never heard from again. Then I moved to California. There I dated two men, two! One lasted three dates but it ended, well if I understood then what I do now let's just say hopefully he would still be in jail. I'm sure I wasn't the first woman he did that to and I doubt I was the last. The second guy was my David. Until he died I didn't truly believe that he loved me just for me. I thought like people in the past he was using me as a way to get out of his parents home. Looking back I know he loved me. Who moves from sunny California to Indiana where it can be so frigid during the winter, unless it's love? Plus let's face California has so much more going for it entertainment wise versus Indiana. There's the ocean, the mountains, and Disneyland just to name a few. But he did love me and I even though I was afraid it wasn't true, I was still terrified of losing him. I knew he was it. When your track record of dating is as awful as mine was you cling to the one who was willing to marry you, despite how I looked and how clingy and I don't know paranoid I was about losing him. I was 28 when I got married, I know that isn't that old in the grand scheme of things, but when you think you you will never get married, when it seems like everyone your age is already married with one or more children. Well it feels very old. And here I'm turning 48 next month. All alone, very hope and dream David and I had long gone. We wanted children, we desperately wanted them. But we never got to have them. I read all these stories of people abusing their babies, of killing them, and I sit here wondering why did they get to have that precious child but we didn't. I'm going to grow old alone. Today's sermon at church was about dying. Most people fear dying. I don't, I fear living. I fear living another forty years by myself. I am very close to my mother but I know I am going to lose her some day, we all know it will happen. I have sisters, nephews, and nieces. But I am not important in their lives. I get it, I'm just the aunt, I need them far more then they need or want me. Doesn't make it hurt any less though. I'm tired of putting on the happy face. Everyone thinking everything is okay just because I try not to show how much it isn't. I'm sad all the time. I'm angry a lot of the time. I'm frustrated all the time. I'm overwhelmed by life in general, especially trying to help my mom. My sisters claim to be concerned but I don't see them stepping up to help her. I don't see them calling to check on her. I don't see them trying to make sure she is eating correctly. Their excuse is that I am doing it, but I shouldn't be the only one doing it damn it! The excuse used to be that they have children and I don't. That it meant I had more time to do things for her/with her that they didn't. Their children are grown so what is their excuse now? Seven years ago when David died they all told me they would be here for me. They haven't, they just haven't. When your own family doesn't want you, why would you think anyone else would? So back to today's sermon. Like I said I don't fear death, I welcome it. I wish it would come sooner rather then later. I don't know how much longer I can handle this whole being a widow thing. Knowing I had love, real love right in front of me and now it's gone. That I will die alone. I wanted to grow old with my husband. I wanted us to have children and grandchildren. I wanted us to be able to travel, experience life together. But it wasn't in the cards for me. Instead it's me, my dog and cats. Thank God they are so dependent on me, if they understood just how miserable of a person I am, I'm sure they would run away from here as fast as possible. So yeah definitely not funny or witty.

Another Christmas without you...

This is my eighth Christ,as since David died. Christmas is hard, it's been hard for years. Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Jesus. But it is a holiday for and about families. The longer David and I went without having children the less and less I enjoyed it. Then David was taken from me as well. Then what a year or two after that my sisters decided to take Christmas Eve away from me and my mother as well. So it seems that in the past 10+ years Christmas has just been harder and harder for me to find any joy in. I try, I really do. I shop for the only two people I give gifts to. I put up the decorations. I wear the jewelry and what not. But when it's all said and done I still end up sitting here crying and not feeling in the Christmas spirit. I wish I knew how to find it again, I really do. But I don't, and it just keeps getting worse as the years go by. I'm lonely, just so so lonely. I just want my husband back. I don't want to be sick and/or in pain all the time. I want the family I dreamed of having. I've hit midlife and found that it's nothing I ever hoped it would be.im tired of pretending to be happy. It's very tiring. Plus when you put on the happy face all the time people don't get it when you actually show how your really feeling. I am sad probably 90% of the time but try very hard not to let it show. It really just wears you down. And I'm tired of being a people pleaser!

The holidays

The most wonderful time of the year. Unless you happen to be a childless widow. I love my mother, I truly do, but she isn't enough. Plus I have to deal with the daily knowledge that any day could be her last one. Then what do I do? People who know my family would say well you have two sisters and all of those nieces and nephews and great nieces and great nephews. And I'm not saying they don't love me, but they really aren't here for me. I have gotten more comfort and support from people I barely know. Ask me how many times my sisters have called me to check on me since my husband died. That would be zero times in the past seven years. Same goes for my nieces and nephews. Now one nephews wife did call me on my first birthday after David died, and that meant a lot to me. But unless they need me for something I don't exist in their lives. On two separate occasions I have had a niece say she just wants to spend time with her family. Guess I'm not family. I thought I was. I was always there for them when they were growing up. Good enough to buy whatever fund raiser stuff they were selling. Good enough to show up and support them at all of their sporting events. But other then that I'm not really family to them. People will tell me I shouldn't let it bother me. That I have friends who more then make up for the family I don't seem to have. But it does bother me. These people are my blood. We are supposed to be there for each other. That's what I was raised to believe. You know the tv show Star Trek the Next Generation? I wish I was like Data, I wish I had no feelings, no emotions. I wish I could just turn it off and not care what others think of me. I wish I could just ignore how I feel, and not let it eat at me. I wish I didn't want to die, right now at this very minute. I wish my family felt like I was worth having around even when they don't need me. I wish they understood I would do anything for them. I wish I wasn't sitting here feeling so damned sorry for myself. I wish my husband was here so he could tell me he at least loves me. But guess what, he's dead and he is in Heaven where he no longer has to worry about such things. But I'm still stuck here on Earth. I'm stuck here without him. The one and only man who ever wanted to be with me just because he wanted to. I'm tired of being alone. It might not be so bad if I hadn't ever been with David. But I was with him and now I know what it feels like to be loved. So it makes being alone even harder. And never being able to have children with David makes it all even that much harder. I'm old, I'm sick all the time, and I really just want to go to sleep and wake up in David's arms. I just don't know how much fight I have left in me. I just don't think I can keep doing this much longer. And I don't understand why I should have to.

Politics should be a 4 letter word!

when I was growing up I remember being taught in history class that the Civil War sometimes pitted brother against brother. Nothing much has changed in America to be honest. Only its Democrats against Republicans. We all feel so strongly about our side. Why we vote the way we do. And as a democrat I have to say I am shocked and appalled that Donald Trump was elected president. I get that others didn't like Hillary Clinton, I understand it. She wasn't my first choice, she wasn't even my second. But I understand working with what you have. She just makes so much more sense to me then he does.

Trump made fun of a disabled man, at one of his events, on camera. He couldn't deny it happened, he did it on purpose! That right there made me never want to vote for him ever, for anything. But it kept getting worse. He talked about being able to sexually harass women, because he can, because he is a celebrity. He offended Hispanics, black people, Muslims, pretty much everyone you could think of except white men. And yet somehow he wins the election? The people he wants to work in his administration, well some of them are very scary to me and millions of Americans. They seem to want an all white America. Not the melting pot we have now. What does this mean for those who are African Americans, Jewish, Muslim, Hispanic, Asian, and so on?

He has won the electoral college while Clinton is currently 2 million votes ahead of him in the popular vote. There is much talk about getting rid of the electoral college and going just with the popular vote. People argue that would give some states more voting power then others. For example California because it goes blue would be able to tip the vote. But if you look at how people vote it isn't all blue votes, there are a lot of red votes in that state as well. What about me living here in Indiana? My blue vote means absolutely nothing if we continue to use the electoral college. Since I was able to vote at the age of 18 my state has only gone blue once and that was 2008 for Pres. Barack Obama, and I'm proud that my vote actually counted for that election!

Here is just a sample of what America's votes would look like if we went just popular vote.

You see very blue areas and very red areas. But look at all of the shades of purple, where the blues and the Reds overlap. Because that is what America is, we are various shades of purple. We are blues and reds that work together, live together, shop together, go to movies together, dine together.... We are a melting pot and if that map doesn't prove it I don't know what does. We need to get rid of the electoral college, it is outdated and no longer represents America! A few swing states currently decides who wins the election. The rest of us do not count in the lead when it comes to who our president is. Don't you want your vote to count?

Regardless though I beg of you. Respect your fellow man. Treat them with the same respect you want to be treated with. And remember why this country was founded the way it was. Freedom of Religion, of meaning all typ s of religion, not just Christians. It was a country where people came for freedoms, and because it was such a great place to come. Where you could make something of yourself. Yes do it legally, but it should not matter what country they come from and what religion you do or don't follow.