The holidays

The most wonderful time of the year. Unless you happen to be a childless widow. I love my mother, I truly do, but she isn't enough. Plus I have to deal with the daily knowledge that any day could be her last one. Then what do I do? People who know my family would say well you have two sisters and all of those nieces and nephews and great nieces and great nephews. And I'm not saying they don't love me, but they really aren't here for me. I have gotten more comfort and support from people I barely know. Ask me how many times my sisters have called me to check on me since my husband died. That would be zero times in the past seven years. Same goes for my nieces and nephews. Now one nephews wife did call me on my first birthday after David died, and that meant a lot to me. But unless they need me for something I don't exist in their lives. On two separate occasions I have had a niece say she just wants to spend time with her family. Guess I'm not family. I thought I was. I was always there for them when they were growing up. Good enough to buy whatever fund raiser stuff they were selling. Good enough to show up and support them at all of their sporting events. But other then that I'm not really family to them. People will tell me I shouldn't let it bother me. That I have friends who more then make up for the family I don't seem to have. But it does bother me. These people are my blood. We are supposed to be there for each other. That's what I was raised to believe. You know the tv show Star Trek the Next Generation? I wish I was like Data, I wish I had no feelings, no emotions. I wish I could just turn it off and not care what others think of me. I wish I could just ignore how I feel, and not let it eat at me. I wish I didn't want to die, right now at this very minute. I wish my family felt like I was worth having around even when they don't need me. I wish they understood I would do anything for them. I wish I wasn't sitting here feeling so damned sorry for myself. I wish my husband was here so he could tell me he at least loves me. But guess what, he's dead and he is in Heaven where he no longer has to worry about such things. But I'm still stuck here on Earth. I'm stuck here without him. The one and only man who ever wanted to be with me just because he wanted to. I'm tired of being alone. It might not be so bad if I hadn't ever been with David. But I was with him and now I know what it feels like to be loved. So it makes being alone even harder. And never being able to have children with David makes it all even that much harder. I'm old, I'm sick all the time, and I really just want to go to sleep and wake up in David's arms. I just don't know how much fight I have left in me. I just don't think I can keep doing this much longer. And I don't understand why I should have to.