The holidays

The most wonderful time of the year. Unless you happen to be a childless widow. I love my mother, I truly do, but she isn't enough. Plus I have to deal with the daily knowledge that any day could be her last one. Then what do I do? People who know my family would say well you have two sisters and all of those nieces and nephews and great nieces and great nephews. And I'm not saying they don't love me, but they really aren't here for me. I have gotten more comfort and support from people I barely know. Ask me how many times my sisters have called me to check on me since my husband died. That would be zero times in the past seven years. Same goes for my nieces and nephews. Now one nephews wife did call me on my first birthday after David died, and that meant a lot to me. But unless they need me for something I don't exist in their lives. On two separate occasions I have had a niece say she just wants to spend time with her family. Guess I'm not family. I thought I was. I was always there for them when they were growing up. Good enough to buy whatever fund raiser stuff they were selling. Good enough to show up and support them at all of their sporting events. But other then that I'm not really family to them. People will tell me I shouldn't let it bother me. That I have friends who more then make up for the family I don't seem to have. But it does bother me. These people are my blood. We are supposed to be there for each other. That's what I was raised to believe. You know the tv show Star Trek the Next Generation? I wish I was like Data, I wish I had no feelings, no emotions. I wish I could just turn it off and not care what others think of me. I wish I could just ignore how I feel, and not let it eat at me. I wish I didn't want to die, right now at this very minute. I wish my family felt like I was worth having around even when they don't need me. I wish they understood I would do anything for them. I wish I wasn't sitting here feeling so damned sorry for myself. I wish my husband was here so he could tell me he at least loves me. But guess what, he's dead and he is in Heaven where he no longer has to worry about such things. But I'm still stuck here on Earth. I'm stuck here without him. The one and only man who ever wanted to be with me just because he wanted to. I'm tired of being alone. It might not be so bad if I hadn't ever been with David. But I was with him and now I know what it feels like to be loved. So it makes being alone even harder. And never being able to have children with David makes it all even that much harder. I'm old, I'm sick all the time, and I really just want to go to sleep and wake up in David's arms. I just don't know how much fight I have left in me. I just don't think I can keep doing this much longer. And I don't understand why I should have to.

Politics should be a 4 letter word!

when I was growing up I remember being taught in history class that the Civil War sometimes pitted brother against brother. Nothing much has changed in America to be honest. Only its Democrats against Republicans. We all feel so strongly about our side. Why we vote the way we do. And as a democrat I have to say I am shocked and appalled that Donald Trump was elected president. I get that others didn't like Hillary Clinton, I understand it. She wasn't my first choice, she wasn't even my second. But I understand working with what you have. She just makes so much more sense to me then he does.

Trump made fun of a disabled man, at one of his events, on camera. He couldn't deny it happened, he did it on purpose! That right there made me never want to vote for him ever, for anything. But it kept getting worse. He talked about being able to sexually harass women, because he can, because he is a celebrity. He offended Hispanics, black people, Muslims, pretty much everyone you could think of except white men. And yet somehow he wins the election? The people he wants to work in his administration, well some of them are very scary to me and millions of Americans. They seem to want an all white America. Not the melting pot we have now. What does this mean for those who are African Americans, Jewish, Muslim, Hispanic, Asian, and so on?

He has won the electoral college while Clinton is currently 2 million votes ahead of him in the popular vote. There is much talk about getting rid of the electoral college and going just with the popular vote. People argue that would give some states more voting power then others. For example California because it goes blue would be able to tip the vote. But if you look at how people vote it isn't all blue votes, there are a lot of red votes in that state as well. What about me living here in Indiana? My blue vote means absolutely nothing if we continue to use the electoral college. Since I was able to vote at the age of 18 my state has only gone blue once and that was 2008 for Pres. Barack Obama, and I'm proud that my vote actually counted for that election!

Here is just a sample of what America's votes would look like if we went just popular vote.

You see very blue areas and very red areas. But look at all of the shades of purple, where the blues and the Reds overlap. Because that is what America is, we are various shades of purple. We are blues and reds that work together, live together, shop together, go to movies together, dine together.... We are a melting pot and if that map doesn't prove it I don't know what does. We need to get rid of the electoral college, it is outdated and no longer represents America! A few swing states currently decides who wins the election. The rest of us do not count in the lead when it comes to who our president is. Don't you want your vote to count?

Regardless though I beg of you. Respect your fellow man. Treat them with the same respect you want to be treated with. And remember why this country was founded the way it was. Freedom of Religion, of meaning all typ s of religion, not just Christians. It was a country where people came for freedoms, and because it was such a great place to come. Where you could make something of yourself. Yes do it legally, but it should not matter what country they come from and what religion you do or don't follow.

Where do I begin?

Unless you live under a rock you know about the tapes that have been leaked from 2005 where Donald Trump discusses sexually assaulting women. He says he kisses them whenever he wants, he grabs their p*~say whenever he wants. He can do it because he is a celebrity and can get away with it. He also tried to have sex with a married woman, but she didn't allow it to happen. Keep in mind he was 59 at the time, not some teenager or 20something. I would expect to hear this kind of stuff coming from Justin Beiber, and it would be just as awful from him. Keep in mind Trump was now married to Melania who was pregnant at the time.

But listening to him talk about how he could get away with this triggered an event in my life I prefer to forget even happened.

I am from Indiana, but moved to California when I was 25 to do an internship at "The Young and the Restless". From that internship I got a job at Witt-Thomas productions. From there I went to Universal Studios. It was there that I met A. We had been working together for well over a year. We went on three dates. On the second date he tried going further then I was prepared to go. I was a 28 year old virgin who didn't intend to have sex unless I was in love with the man. I didn't know how I felt about A. I mean it was only a second date and I didn't have that "feeling" about him. I'm not saying it might not have come in time, but at that point I wasn't there yet. He backed off right away, it made me feel good about him. Third date we decided to stay in and watch movies, I made margaritas. I made them, so I know they weren't that strong.

I was on my second margarita and I really don't remember anything after that. I woke up the next morning with him in my bed. I also knew physically that I was no longer a virgin. I blamed myself. Figured I made the margarita stronger then I had thought. Though I had agreed to sleep with him. Just couldn't see it all happening any other way. He left, and that was the last time I went out with him. I just didn't feel comfortable with the thought of dating him anymore.

A few months later another guy who also worked at Universal, but in a different area, asked me out. We had been on multiple dates when A cornered me in the office and asked me if I had met little David, or had he broken me. That was my first anxiety attack. I was shaking so hard and could barely breath. I ended up going to the nurse. I told her what had happened and she said I should enjoy a guy fighting over me while I was young. That made the anxiety attack even worse!

I ended up talking to a different nurse who was far more compassionate. She had me fill out a report for workplace sexual harassment. That was the last day I worked there. Every time I got near it I would have an anxiety attack. Even then I couldn't admit that A had raped me. I continued to blame myself. To say if I hadn't dated him, or had the margaritas. That it was all my fault.

David was so understanding about it all. He wanted to beat A up, but I told him that wouldn't help me. He was so wonderful about it all. I had known on our first date he was the one. I had fallen in love. He just made me feel loved and wanted and appreciated. He took it very slow, went at my pace. He is the only man I have ever made love with. It wasn't until after his death, when I was doing my grief counseling that it all came out. I guess I was wounded enough to finally talk about it, this was the first time I had ever talked to anyone about that night, not even David knew the true details. How do you tell your husband that? He knew he wasn't my first, but he didn't know how it had happened.

After talking it all out, every painful details. It's fairly obvious that A slipped something into my drink. Even when I have had a lot more then two margaritas I have never blacked out like that. So A decided he was going to have sex with me whether I wanted to or not. What happened that night was not my fault, I did nothing to make or allow that to happen. I was raped plain and simple.

Certain smells are still triggers, like the stuff he put in his hair. If I smell that I start to shake. Listening to Trump talk about woman the way he did is an absolute trigger. He, much like A, thinks he is Gods gift to women. And that he should be able to have whoever he wants when he wants it.

#notokay

Too many emotions....

Growing up I had an extremely low opinion of myself. I was told at an early age that when my parents accidentally got pregnant with me my father was especially unhappy about it. It wasn't either of my parents who told me about that but my older sisters. I can't even remember them telling me, it's just something I have known for as long as I can remember. That really doesn't make you feel loved and wanted. As I got older my middle sister and I did not get along. She is nine years older then I am. We are very much alike which is probably why we didn't/don't get along. The day before she got married our family dog died. At her wedding I was crying. Everyone thought it was because she was getting married and leaving home. I was crying because my dog died. I was glad she was getting married and leaving home. And I am sure she was equally glad when I moved to California. She would only have to deal with me at the holidays.

But then I came back eight years later. And this all has very little to do with why I am so emotional tonight.

Yesterday, May 31 would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. I miss David so much. Too much I think, or I should say I'm afraid. I'm a Pisces and it's very true what they say about Pisces being very emotional, having great empathy. I am not a people person, I am a people pleaser. And it's why I get used so often by "friends" and probably even "family" even though I keep telling myself I won't let it happen, I still do because I want them to like me. I want them be part of my life, but they only want me when they need something.

It's because of that, that I feel so all alone at times like this. I miss my husband so much. Even though throughout our marriage I was convinced he would leave when he found someone better. And I guess now I know why I posted what I did above. It's because of the emotional scares I still have from my childhood that I felt that way about my husband. No matter how many times he told me I was beautiful I never believed him.

When you are told enough times you are ugly, how fat you are, that you have no talent, and that you were never wanted from day one. Well it sticks with you and makes for a very insecure child, teenager, and even adult. Physical wounds heal, you don't forget them, but they heal. Verbal/psychological scares never go away, no matter how much you want them to.

I wish I had understood this when David was alive. Maybe I would have believed him when he told me I was beautiful. Maybe after hearing it enough it would have coated at least some of those scares. Then maybe I would understand why he loved me and that he wasn't just waiting to leave me for someone better.

Be careful with your words. They can do more damage then a fist sometimes. Love and compassion can go so much farther then hate and jealousy.

Becoming a foster parent

I went to my first class last night. It was very interesting. I definitely want to do the foster to adopt program. I want my home to be some child's forever home.

I suck at organization!

i try to organize my life. I really do. We bought a file cabinet to keep stuff in. Worked for awhile. Then we both stopped. Tonight I was looking for my birth certificate. Should have been in a drawer on the desk I have. Yea it's not there. Did I use it for something since David died and didn't bother to put it back? Did I move it to a safer place? I will try looking again tomorrow, but I have to admit I am organizationally challenged. Sigh!

Mothers Day....

First and foremost I love my mom. I love spending Mother's Day with her.

That said this is my least favorite day of the year. It's a constant reminder that my body failed me at its very core.

I told myself I didn't want to get married, that I didn't want children. It was a lie, all a huge lie I told myself all the time. I'm a fat woman, very fat. All through high school no one ever wanted to date me. While I was going to college I went on one date, a blind date. He said he would call me for another. Never heard from him again. So I told myself I didn't want to get married, that I didn't want children. Hurts less to lie to yourself then to admit you want something you will never have. And then there was David. He wanted me. He married me and he promised to love me forever. And then I hoped and we tried. And we tried and we never got pregnant, oh believe me we tried and we went to doctors and  it just didn't happen. I blame myself because of my weight. From most of the research I did it's harder for some to get pregnant when they are over weight. They don't produce the right amount of hormones. Too much of one, not enough of the other. No matter how you look at it I failed us, my body failed us.

So as if that wasn't bad enough at the age of forty I became a widow. Twelve years, I was only allowed to be married for twelve years. Longer then some but not nearly long enough for me. David was my best friend. We were two bruised souls just clinging to each other in this world. And then I was all alone.

I have a mother I love very, very, very much. I have a cousin and friends who are closer to me then my own sisters are. But at the end of the day I'm lying her in bed by myself. Just me and my dog and three cats. And that desire to have children that I finally allowed myself to admit has never gone away. So Mother's Day is just a cruel reminder to me of what I don't have and that I will never feel a child growing inside of me. There are women out there who give birth to children they don't want. That they abuse and/or kill. Yet I, who would have cherished any child I would have been blessed with, is barren and a widow on top of all that!

So on today as in every Mother's Day for the past let's say 15 years I am sad and bitter. Tears keep streaming. My mind understands, but my heart feels every emotion and way to much. I hate being this emotional of a person, I hate having all of these feelings.

Maybe next year will be better.