I am clinically depressed, have been for most if not all of my life. Did not start getting help for it though until after my husband died when he was 42 and I was 40. It pushed me to close to the edge, way, way, way, to close. Here we are over 5 years later and the struggle feels just as hard for me as it did when I truly acknowledged my problem. I'm told I am not as bad now as I was then, but I don't feel that way. At least not today, today I feel like I am getting way to close to that edge again. I am lucky that even when I doubt myself, doubt my faith, God for whatever reason is that very silent voice in my head that pushes me to reach out for help. To talk to someone who won't take no or I quit for an answer. Who I also allowed to see exactly which buttons to push to make me not give in to what I want to do so desperately. And I totally blame you for that God! Yes I know you have big shoulders and all that blah blah blah, but so annoying!!
I was born and raised Lutheran (MLSC), went to a Lutheran grade school, confirmed, all that stuff. Except for 8 years that I lived in Los Angeles I have gone to the same church. It is my home, the one place where even though I struggle with my faith I feel most welcome in the world. I am the youngest of three children, but because of an age gape I am sort of like an only child. I have many nieces and nephews and now great-nieces and great-nephews. I love them all and would do anything within my power for them.
I have been overweight from I want to say around the age of 9 on. I used food as a comfort growing up. I wasn't pretty or smart or popular and food was always there. I also knew at an early age that I was not just an unplanned pregnancy but a mistake of epic proportions. Okay no one ever told me I was a mistake of epic proportions, but that is how I feel about myself. That is the depression talking, I get that, but doesn't help me to stop feeling it.
I moved to California summer of 1995 to do an internship for The Young and the Restless. I ended up staying until the fall of 2003. I met my husband while working at Universal Studios and we were married on May 31, 1997. I never thought anyone would ever want me, and no matter how often he said it there is still a part of me that doesn't believe he wanted me. I know that makes no sense, but again the depression blah blah blah. We moved back to my hometown in the fall of 2003 a year after my father had died. I wanted to be closer to my mother. My mother and I have, well I think it probably borders on a great relationship that can be and probably is toxic for me.
My David was diagnosed with kidney failure March of 2004. Went on dialysis December of 2006. Got a transplant from a living anonymous donor on December 30, 2008, and died from a pulmonary embolism on October 14, 2009. He was in a coma for a week before he died, I wish I had died with him, I think part of me did.
I have had a lot of illness' since then, nothing major, or at least nothing the world would see as major. No cancer or heart attacks or strokes or anything like that. I have the clinical depression, I'm obese, I am hypothyroid, chronic sinusitis (surgery for that so hopefully that one is going away) and basically four types of headaches. I have sinus headaches, tension headaches, migraine headaches, and was recently diagnosed with occipital neuralgia. The first three are easy enough to deal with, I can take this medication or that or do this or that. The occipital neuralgia is harder to treat and deal with. It mimics a migraine, which is why it took almost a year to diagnose correctly. I have had two steroid shots in my head to try and get rid of the headache and they helped for a week each time. I can only have three of those shots in a six month time period. The headaches are unlike any I have ever experienced, the pain so intense, even my hair hurts. Add in the fact that I also have insomnia, which is currently raging and this is why I am just shy of crazy. Oh yeah and I hurt my knee back in September and need to have surgery on it, but it happened at work and there are issues with the insurance and whether they will cover it or not, so I am getting to live with that daily pain as well. And those are just the major problems in my life. Just shy of crazy is so completely accurate!
Aren't you glad I didn't tell you my whole life story? I mean surely that was enough to give you an idea of who I am, but not even close to the full picture. So anyway like I said, I was "encouraged" to start writing again. I was watching Julie and Julia today and it gave me an idea. So I decided I wanted to force myself to blog about something beyond just me and my psychosis', and then I remembered a book I had borrowed from one of my pastor's when I first started on this whole treating my depression path.
With my insomnia I obviously am awake when I should be sleeping and often extremely frustrated by this. A lot of the time, especially when this started, I talk to God. Back then I questioned why he took David from me. Well anyway, the one night I looked at the clock to see what time it was and it was 3:16. Now anyone who is a Christian knows that John 3:16 is a very popular bible verse, for good reason. I even painted the window of my Sunday School room with the three crosses from Jesus' death and put John 3:16 on it. I had done it at Easter time and just never felt the need to change it. I haven't taught Sunday School in that room for several years and they remodeled the rooms to add a pre-school, but that left that window the way I painted it. That means something to me. Anyway my Pastor lent me a book by Max Lucado, who is a wonderful Christian writer. The book is titled 3:16, a very good read and I highly recommend it. The book includes a 40 day devotional. Now I should have started this on Ash Wednesday so it would end on Easter like he planned. But I didn't, I'm starting today. My goal is for the next 40 days to blog about this devotional. I am hoping that doing this will give me the kick I need to blog on a more consistent basis.
Day One:
The first devotional is about the night Jesus was born. How it was just an ordinary night, like every night before it had been. Here were these two people who were not rich or important, or even like pillars of the church or anything. They were just your every day ordinary people. And the first people the Angels told about this miraculous birth were shepherds, basically your lowly field workers. God wanted Jesus to be one of us, someone who others would feel comfortable with, at least that is what I think. Let's face it I am more likely to talk to anyone of my pastors then I would be to go to say the head of the entire Lutheran church. I would be to intimidated. I also think some times when people are to important we don't always want to listen to them, I mean what would they know about our lives, our struggles? So God picked ordinary people who would raise Jesus to be one of us.
ETA: I meant to include the bible verse that went with this devotional so here it is.
"Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.'" - Luke 2:13-14
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