Lucado points out that there are only two other crosses with Jesus. On one cross the thief repents and Jesus tells him he will go to heaven with him. The person on the other cross does not repent and is therefor going to hell. It shows how clearly you have the choice to do what is right or what is wrong. I will even go a step further and say it symbolizes how we all have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other shoulder. We either listen to one or the other, we can't listen to both!
So on a more personal note today, tonight, actually this whole week has pretty munched sucked for me. I am an overly emotional person, even on the best of days. I get my feelings hurt very easily. And my first/natural instinct is to shut down and/or run away. If I don't let people in, if I don't put myself out there I can't get hurt, right?
My mother was the chairperson of our morning bible study. For one thing that is a stupid title and for another three is no good reason to have one of the women be chairperson. The Pastor is in charge a far as I am concerned. But for Ladies Society they want a chairperson. Someone who comes to the meetings to represent the bible study group. There is one chairperson for each group in our church. Anyway mom always had me type up what we were talking about in bible study and said how much she didn't want to be the chairperson, she wasn't asked if she wanted to be, just kind of made it one day. Anyway since I do the work I said I would just take over. Well a dear friend of ours in the bible study died two weeks ago today actually. She had that she wanted memorials to go either to our church or the aspca. Knowing how much she loved animals that wa what gets my vote. So I had emailed the pastor so he could find out how much money we have collected so we could discuss where to donate to. When I asked him on Tuesday he didn't know how much we currently have, but he would find out and we can discuss it when he does. All of this was being talked about in front of the group. I said I would like for us to donate to the apca and left it at that. It was simply what I would want to do, not what the group has to do. It wasn't even a discussion, really just he and I talking. Well several of the ladies went to a friend of my moms and said they didn't understand why I had made a decision for the group. Barb told me this tonight. I overreacted, my feelings are hurt and basically I intend to quit bible study. For one thing if they have a problem with me come to me not someone else and have that person talk to me about it. Second no decision had even been remotely made!!! I simply expressed my preference. I did not say we are going to donate to the aspca, I said I would like for us to donate to them. Big difference. And the worst is Barb won't even tell me who it was that went to her. I hate when people do that. Tell you something but are unwilling to tell you everything. Either tell me who thinks I am being controlling or don't tell me anything.
I just miss my husband so much and just wish God was willing to let me come home to him. I hate living without him. I hate all of these emotions. I hate feeling stupid and inadequate!
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