Christmas is a wonderful holiday. As a Christian it is a very special one. But when you are a widow and have no children. Well simply put, it just sucks! I feel more alone at this time of the year. I always feel alone, but right now being alone is one of the only things I can feel. Of course the other thing I feel is pain. The Lyme disease doesn't really seem to be getting better. In fact in some ways it feels as if it is getting worse. My hips still hurt, my feet still burn and/or cramp up. I can now add ankle pain as well as arm pain to the list. By the end of a shift at work my arm hurts so much I can barely lift it. Add in the insomnia that the pills don't truly get rid of. The weird dreams I can't escape from. The only thing going for me is the burning off of my nerves on my neck so far so good is working on my headaches. They are still there, in the background. Not near as bad as they had gotten in the past few weeks. But the rest of the pain more then makes up for that. Every night I just want to take a bunch of pain pills and never wake up again. But I don't, because I can't. I want to, but I fight it. Instead I spend most of my time off work in bed in pain. I have an ice pack under my neck, another on my knee, and a heating pad on my arm. And when I wake up in excruciating pain at 4am I take a hot shower in order to try and get the muscles to relax enough so I can attempt to go back to sleep. Then I get to wake up and go to a job I generally enjoy. With the exception of working with one person, and that one person can simply make the day at work even worse then the pain I feel as the day goes on.
I just want this time of the year to be over already! I also want my husband back! That one isn't going to happen so I will focus on just getting through the holidays in one piece.
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