Death...

In the years since my David died there have been many people I know who have passed on. Most of them from my church. Usually elderly, or they had cancer. I'm not saying their deaths mean nothing. I know their friends and family grieve for them. It is never easy to lose someone you love or care about. In the time since David's death there have been three that touched me more the any of the others. When my friend Ann died, it just felt like such a shock to me. She had a lung disease, where your lungs harden making it harder and harder for you to get enough oxygen to breath. She had had a surgery to hopefully give her at least another year of life. She died two days after the surgery. I was devastated! Went to the bathroom at worked and sobbed. That was two years ago, I still miss her. Two weeks ago a classmate of mine died. Suddenly out of the blue, and while on duty. His death made his wife a widow twice now. Twice! At my age, she has lost two husbands. I can't even imagine! I'm still struggling with loosing David! Then on Tuesday we found out one of our customers had died over the weekend. Al was a dirty old man. I don't say it in the negative way. He loved to flirt with each and everyone of us. He could, and did, take anything we said and made it sexual. He could make me blush so much! He made me feel pretty when I never feel pretty. I miss him! I can't believe he won't come into the bank ever again. He will never call me dumpling ever again. I know he is now pain free, and I am oh so grateful for that. But I miss him! I hate death, I hate it with a passion!!

I really don't like myself!

I'm going to be 48 in just over two weeks. 48!!! And what do I have to show for it? Nothing absolutely nothing. I'm a widow, who was never able to have children. I am surrounded by family member who seem to be able to get pregnant by just looking at each other. I'm old, I'm jealous and I'm bitter! I'm tired all of the time. My headache is so bad right now I could scream! I'm on more medication than I ever thought I would be. My knees are in almost constant pain. My nerve endings often feel like they are on fire. I suck at my job!! David was the happy go lucky person. I should have died instead of him. I'm so completely and utterly unhappy and just so worthless. There is nothing that seems to bring me joy or happiness. I'm short tempered and take it out on the people around me. I just wish I could hibernate or just go to sleep and not wake up. I hate feeling this way. I miss my husband. It wouldn't be nearly as bad to be barren if I at least still had my husband. At least then I wouldn't be so all alone all of the time. :-(