I really don't like myself!

I'm going to be 48 in just over two weeks. 48!!! And what do I have to show for it? Nothing absolutely nothing. I'm a widow, who was never able to have children. I am surrounded by family member who seem to be able to get pregnant by just looking at each other. I'm old, I'm jealous and I'm bitter! I'm tired all of the time. My headache is so bad right now I could scream! I'm on more medication than I ever thought I would be. My knees are in almost constant pain. My nerve endings often feel like they are on fire. I suck at my job!! David was the happy go lucky person. I should have died instead of him. I'm so completely and utterly unhappy and just so worthless. There is nothing that seems to bring me joy or happiness. I'm short tempered and take it out on the people around me. I just wish I could hibernate or just go to sleep and not wake up. I hate feeling this way. I miss my husband. It wouldn't be nearly as bad to be barren if I at least still had my husband. At least then I wouldn't be so all alone all of the time. :-(