Holidays suck...

Christmas is a wonderful holiday. As a Christian it is a very special one. But when you are a widow and have no children. Well simply put, it just sucks! I feel more alone at this time of the year. I always feel alone, but right now being alone is one of the only things I can feel. Of course the other thing I feel is pain. The Lyme disease doesn't really seem to be getting better. In fact in some ways it feels as if it is getting worse. My hips still hurt, my feet still burn and/or cramp up. I can now add ankle pain as well as arm pain to the list. By the end of a shift at work my arm hurts so much I can barely lift it. Add in the insomnia that the pills don't truly get rid of. The weird dreams I can't escape from. The only thing going for me is the burning off of my nerves on my neck so far so good is working on my headaches. They are still there, in the background. Not near as bad as they had gotten in the past few weeks. But the rest of the pain more then makes up for that. Every night I just want to take a bunch of pain pills and never wake up again. But I don't, because I can't. I want to, but I fight it. Instead I spend most of my time off work in bed in pain. I have an ice pack under my neck, another on my knee, and a heating pad on my arm. And when I wake up in excruciating pain at 4am I take a hot shower in order to try and get the muscles to relax enough so I can attempt to go back to sleep. Then I get to wake up and go to a job I generally enjoy. With the exception of working with one person, and that one person can simply make the day at work even worse then the pain I feel as the day goes on.

I just want this time of the year to be over already! I also want my husband back! That one isn't going to happen so I will focus on just getting through the holidays in one piece.

Writing challenge day 30

30) Something you are excited for.

I don't know. I think I am still just so lonely without my David that it often feels like I have nothing to look forward to. I am still struggling with the desire to have children. My heart tells me I need to do the foster to adopt program. But my fear of failure keeps me from actually doing it. What if I would suck as a mother? What if they have problems that are more then I can handle? The what ifs are what eat away at me. I need to just bite the bullet and do it!

Writing challenge day 29

(yes I just did day 28, I want to get this done since I am so far behind!)

29) The night of your 21st birthday.

It was actually not very eventful. My birthday is in February, which typically means snow. The weather was bad that night. My parents took me out to eat and I was able to get my first drink. That was it. I have always led such an exciting life!

Writing challenge day 28

28) The word/phrase you use constantly.

The one I use the most has to be "I just work here." It's not that I just work there. I know I play a part in everything working, because when you are missing just one person it affects the whole. But when people question why we do this or that. I just work here. I don't make the rules. I don't have a say in policy. I know what my job is and I use it to the best of my abilities, but I really have little control over the grand scheme of things.

Writing challenge day 27

27) What I wore today.

We we had an open house at work today. And we are now in the Christmas season. So I wore a sparkly red shirt with black pants that have silver pinstripes on them. I also wore sparkly jingley earrings. Definitely helped me be in a more festive mood.  Several people noted that I looked Christmasy. It was really nice!

Writing challenge day 26

26) Things you'd say to an ex.

The only relationship I have ever had ended with my husbands death. So I have no clue what I would say to an ex. I guess it would all depend on how it ended. Was I hurt? Did I hurt him? Nope no clue.

Writing challenge day 25

Well I managed to get way behind on this!

25) Four weird traits you have.

1- I always alternate which side of my mouth I chew on. I remember being to,d as a child to do that so one side of your faves muscles aren't stronger then the other.

2- I don't like it when my food touches. I mean if I am eating salad or spaghetti or something like that fine. But if I am have say chicken and potatoes, I don't want the potatoes touching the chicken.

3- I also eat one food at a time. I start with my least favorite and leave my favorite for last. Like at dinner tonight it was vegetables, then meat with the roll next and dessert last.

4- Umm I feel like I have run out of things. How about that my first three weird traits were all related to food?