3rd blog prompt

Three things that scare me, and why? I'm afraid of growing old alone. Of never being part of a family. Of never feeling loved for me, for who I am. Okay so all three things that scare me tie in together. The fear of being alone, of not fitting in. I know I'm not the only person who has this fear. And that should bring me some comfort, but it doesn't. I never thought I'd get married. But I did. But because he cheated on me it made me doubt everything. I never believed he loved me just for me. I thought I was just a way for him to get away from his parents. But by all accounts he loved me. I wish I believed it was true, but I don't. I'm just not loveable. I'm to emotional, I'm to needy, to clingy. I'm a huge turn off, I know I am. But he did marry me, so we were supposed to grow old together. We were supposed to have a family together, even if that meant adopting. But he died on me. So my biggest fear of growing old alone, never having a family of my own. They are very real fears. And the never being loved for me. Well Chad again proved I'm not very loveable. He was just using me, he needed someone who would do anything he wanted, and I was just stupid enough to do it. I just want someone to love me for me, someone to grow old with. Someone that I still might be able to have a family with.

Dealing with anxiety/depression...

Prompt #2 Describe how you want your life to look in 5, 10 and 20 years. Honestly whether it's 5, 10, or 20 years from now I ultimately want the same thing. I want a family of my own. I've always envied my sisters families and now their children's families. Yes my oldest sister is now divorced. And my middle sister has been in a loveless marriage for as long as I can remember. But they have children, I want children. But here's the rub, my marriage was a good solid strong marriage. It wasn't perfect, we argued like any couple does. But at the end of the day we loved each other. So as much as I want children, I want to be married even more. I want him to be my best friend, my champion. And I want to be that for him. I think I might be with that guy. He's so much like David, not exactly but close enough. So that's what I want my future to look like. I want to grow old with him. If we somehow manage to have children great. If not that's great too! Having a strong relationship means so much more to me. Looking back I realize that now.

The September prompts...

Didn't work like I planned. Mostly cause I kept forgetting lol! I have depression and anxiety. So I just saw a post on Pinterest with 50 blog ideas for people with depression and anxiety. Seems like it will be a much better topic for me. Especially since I've been struggling with my depression lately. The first thought was to write about a difficult time in my life that I made it through. Well the most difficult thing I've ever lived through was my husband dying. I miss him so much and still blame myself for his death on many levels. It will be eight years next month since he died. Sometimes I still hope I'll wake up and it will be a bad dream or something. But the reality of it hits me in the face almost daily. And I wonder why God felts I needed to go through this. What was I supposed to learn? How was I supposed to change? If I had the answer to these questions it would make life much easier.

How can I improve myself?

So today's prompt asks me to name a way I can improve myself this week. Well I need to stop putting myself down. Start believing I'm worthy. Of people's time, of their affection, of their love. Too often I sell myself short. When someone doesn't want to be around me, I always assume it's me that's the problem. And sure sometimes it is me, I'm far from perfect. But other times it's the other person that's the problem. I need to realize it can be either way before I put all the blame on me. That's how I'm going to work on improving myself this week!

I enjoy writing......

I just don't always know what to write about. So I'm going to use the writing prompts I've found on Pinterest. They have different ones for each month, and one for each day in those months. Yes I missed the first three days on September, but I'm okay with that lol. Today's prompt was to write about something I want to accomplish this week. Well the easy answer is doing the dishes and the laundry. Of course I need to accomplish those two things all the time. I'm just often lazy and a procrastinator. If the prompt meant something bigger, something I'm not supposed to be doing all the time? I honestly have no clue. Maybe be brave about something? If that's the case I already accomplished it. I'm seeing a new guy. I'm afraid to ask to much of him. Afraid it will push him away. But yet if he wants to be with me, shouldn't he want to meet my family and friends? He did meet my mom yesterday. I got up the courage and asked him if he would go to a party at a friends house. Problem is the party is on a Saturday night and he generally works Saturday night. He said we'll see but he makes no promises. It's better than an outright no. And I did ask him even though I was afraid to do it. So I already accomplished something this week!

Being morbidly obese....

I've been overweight almost my entire life. I've done diets, taken over the counter diet pills. I lose weight I gain weight. It has been a never ending struggle. It's not that I'm addicted to food, it's that I'm addicted to food that is bad for you. But August 2016 I went to a seminar at the local bariatric center and decided it was time to change my life forever! I started on the path to permanent weight loss. My highest weight was 328, day of seminar it was 317. I was finally able to have surgery on June 20, 2017. My weight that day was 275. Today August 17, 2017, just three days shy of two months post op my weight is 237. Nine more pounds and I will be down 100 pounds from my highest weight ever, 100 pounds!!! But don't let anyone tell you weight loss surgery is the easy way out. It's a tool that forces you to eat better, to eat the proper proportions of food. Giving up bread, pasta, and rice are the really hard ones. Especially bread! I hardly ever kept it at home, but never realized how many sandwiches I got picking up food. Because it's cheaper and easier then healthier options. Between that and drinking pop, it's why I got so big. But easy is no longer an option. I have to think about every single thing I put in my mouth, every single thing! But it will all be worth it in the end!!

Once an overthink/worrier always an over thinker/worrier!

I hate that about myself. I overthink literally everything! I worry about everything! Oh yea and I have trust issues. I wish I could figure out how to change those bad habits. I'm trying I really am. I've gotten together with the new guy a second time. It went well I think. I suck at judging that stuff. And unfortunately since then he has been super busy at work. I get this, I really do. But my fat girl issues always rears its ugly head. I worry if I don't hear from him. That maybe he came to his senses and doesn't really want to see me again. But he does, he says he does. I knew this week and next week we wouldn't be able to see each other. But then I don't even get a text from him. I have to try and remember that not all guys are good at communication. He gives me one word responses to my five sentences lol! So my dear girl back off! Don't smother the boy or you will scare him off. As long as he says he wants to see you again, trust that he is telling you the truth. And this is all so much easier said then done! SIGH!