Day 33, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." - Romans 8:1

Lucado points out that there are only two other crosses with Jesus. On one cross the thief repents and Jesus tells him he will go to heaven with him. The person on the other cross does not repent and is therefor going to hell. It shows how clearly you have the choice to do what is right or what is wrong. I will even go a step further and say it symbolizes how we all have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other shoulder. We either listen to one or the other, we can't listen to both!

So on a more personal note today, tonight, actually this whole week has pretty munched sucked for me. I am an overly emotional person, even on the best of days. I get my feelings hurt very easily. And my first/natural instinct is to shut down and/or run away. If I don't let people in, if I don't put myself out there I can't get hurt, right?

My mother was the chairperson of our morning bible study. For one thing that is a stupid title and for another three is no good reason to have one of the women be chairperson. The Pastor is in charge a far as I am concerned. But for Ladies Society they want a chairperson. Someone who comes to the meetings to represent the bible study group. There is one chairperson for each group in our church. Anyway mom always had me type up what we were talking about in bible study and said how much she didn't want to be the chairperson, she wasn't asked if she wanted to be, just kind of made it one day. Anyway since I do the work I said I would just take over. Well a dear friend of ours in the bible study died two weeks ago today actually. She had that she wanted memorials to go either to our church or the aspca. Knowing how much she loved animals that wa what gets my vote. So I had emailed the pastor so he could find out how much money we have collected so we could discuss where to donate to. When I asked him on Tuesday he didn't know how much we currently have, but he would find out and we can discuss it when he does. All of this was being talked about in front of the group. I said I would like for us to donate to the apca and left it at that. It was simply what I would want to do, not what the group has to do. It wasn't even a discussion, really just he and I talking. Well several of the ladies went to a friend of my moms and said they didn't understand why I had made a decision for the group. Barb told me this tonight. I overreacted, my feelings are hurt and basically I intend to quit bible study. For one thing if they have a problem with me come to me not someone else and have that person talk to me about it. Second no decision had even been remotely made!!! I simply expressed my preference. I did not say we are going to donate to the aspca, I said I would like for us to donate to them. Big difference. And the worst is Barb won't even tell me who it was that went to her. I hate when people do that. Tell you something but are unwilling to tell you everything. Either tell me who thinks I am being controlling or don't tell me anything.

I just miss my husband so much and just wish God was willing to let me come home to him. I hate living without him. I hate all of these emotions. I hate feeling stupid and inadequate!

Day 32, "they divided his clothes among the four of them. They also took his robe, but it was seamless, woven in one piece from the top. So they said, 'Let's not tear it but throw dice to see who gets it.'" - John 19:23-24

How insulting. Hey he's hanging there dying but let's quibble over his clothing! And yea lets gamble over his finest piece of clothing. Just so insulting!

So I'm frustrated with life. I try and do my own house repairs, but I just suck at the bathroom. I went to fix some loose tiles and ended up creating a huge mess. One I can't fix. These are the times I miss David so much! Because between the two of us we could have fixed it. But by myself I can't! 😥

Day 31 "the next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, 'Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!'" - John 1:29

What Jesus had to do. What we humans put him through! How easy it would it have been for him to say, you people are on your own! You made this mess, now you clean it up. Problem with that is, there is no way for us to correct the sins we have committed. Oh we can try and try to not sin, but we are human and not perfect. Also Jesus could never, would never turn his back on us like that. We are his children. He was put on this physical Earth to save us, anything short, well it just would never have happened. We are so lucky he loves us that much. Because we as a whole are so not worthy.

I sit here right now listening to the news talk about the riots in Baltimore. Do white cops screw up and do things to black men (and women) that they shouldn't do? Of course they do, and those men and women should not be in positions of authority. But to riot like this? What does it solve? Absolutely nothing. But it shows how human we are, how so far from perfect we are! I pray that we in America some day wake up and start loving one another. Stop pointing fingers at you did this, well you did this. Well you are black or you are gay or fat or a homophobe or whatever. We only live once and we only have one Earth. We need to work together, not pull each other apart!

Day 30 "Jesus...endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." - Hebrews 12:2

If there is anyone actually reading this, you probably thought I had abandoned this "project" of mine. But like I said in my last post I was sick. Well I'm always sick. But this was an extra dose of not so fun sickness. I had a double ear infection and throat infection. Then I ended up with the flu during that. Followed by a massive sinus infection. My face still hurts, with some ear pain and still having a sore throat. I am having an upper gi done to see why I have trouble swallowing. And I will finally be having my knee surgery from when I fell at work back in September. But I have decided to start back up right where I left off on this blog. So this is unofficially day 30, that's my story and I am sticking to it lol!

So a week and a half ago a very dear friend of mine passed away. She had been sick, but I just didn't

T think her time would come this soon. She was far more prepared for her death then I was. When I found out I lost it. At work, went to the bathroom and cried my heart out. Spent much of the next five days crying. I just miss her so much already! She was my bible study buddy! That Sunday after her death, at church her daughter gave me a cross she had marked that she wanted me to have. It has green stones in it. She knew how much I loved green and how much my faith means to me. I have never had anyone leave me something when they died. It is both wonderful and sad at the same time. Then last week on Tuesday was her funeral. Our bible study group sat together for the funeral. It seemed only right. I cried the entire funeral, and held my moms hand. Afterward our group cheated and hugged and made sure we told each other how much we love each othe. But then after that I was fine. 

Our Pastor who did the funeral, well he is just excellent at funerals. Although I have to admit I have been to very few funerals in my life. All for family and the grief or my young age made me not always pay that much attention to what was actually being said. But I listened to this one. The Pastor got choked up at the end of the first bible verse. Him showing that emotion really helped me. Then when he gave his sermon and talked about how ready Annie was to go to Heaven. I just think it has given me a peace I have never felt about anyone else's death. I will miss her until the day I die. But I am truly happy she is no longer in pain and that she is in Heaven with Jesus! I just hope she thought to find David and make sure he knows how much I miss him!!

Day 29. "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." - John 3:17

Condemning the world would do us no good. I mean why even send your one and only child to this planet? Which is further proof how much God loves each and every one of us!

So I have a double ear infection with a throat infection, so these will all be short and sweet until I am feeling better. 😔

Yesterday's verse was.

"The soldiers of the governor took Jesus into the Praetorium.... And they stripped Him and put a scarlet robe on Him. When they had twisted a crown of thorns, they put it on His head." - Matthew 27:27-29

They did all of this to shame him, humiliate him, to cause him pain. They had no clue what kind of man he was!

Day 28

I'm sorry. I just don't have it in me today.

Day 27. "You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone for my father is with me." - John 16:32

This is when Jesus was telling the disciples how they would betray him over the next few days. I doubt I would have believed him any more then the disciples did!

I hD every intention of doing a long post about an image I saw on Facebook and how it made me think of Harry Potter. But it will take more time and energy then I have in me right now. Long day today.

Happy Easter. He is risen, he is risen indeed! Hallelujah!!!

Day 26. "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." - John 14:1

"How did Jesus deal with his fear? He went to his father." - Max Lucado. When we are afraid or alone or sick or whatever we want out parents, and I would bet 90% of the time we want our mothers. Yet Jesus wanted his father, he couldn't see him or even touch him, but he could feel him. What a wonderful thing, to have that level of faith, of trust.

I just don't have it. When I am scared or hurting I needed physical comforting. It's the hardest part about being a widow. I no longer have my best friend here to comfort me. Everyone is all go to God he will comfort you. And I try, believe me I try. But I need the physical and because of this my relationship with God feels rocky. I know it's all on my own end. But it is so frustrating! Maybe this is like yoga where you reach that zen moment and it all makes sense. I haven't reached my zen moment where it all makes sense. I do believe in God and am so thankful for everything he has done for me. But at this point my life just still feels so very very empty!

Day 25! "Whoever acknowledges me before me, I will also acknowledge him before my father in heaven." - Matthew 10:32

Pretty simple really. If you are not ashamed to admit you know me I will make sure God knows this. If you can't even admit you know me, why should God save a space for you in heaven? No brainer!

I want to write more, it's Holy Week one of the most important times of the year for Christians. However my headaches have been worse again. Everything is aching. My brain fog is scarring me, like I can't even say simpler words. Throw in my fatigue and this is one very unhappy Becky. But for once I don't feel despondent, I think that's the word I am looking for. I don't feel like giving up. I just want to sleep until I feel better. But I work tomorrow and then have multiple church services Easter morning! Oh and Cubs season opener is Sunday night!! I guess I can always sleep later. 😕

Day 24. "Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." - Luke 5:16

I'm sure Jesus needed lots of time by himself. For one thing I am sure he talked to God as much as possible and these conversations needed to be private. Plus he probably needed some down time. Can you imagine all of the people who wanted to get close to him. To be his friend or have him heal them or someone they loved. Jesus was the ultimate rock star!

Day 23. "Then Jesus said, 'Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?'" - John 11:40I

Lucado talks about when Jesus brought Martha's brother Lazarus back to life. Now Lucado is quite elegant in what he talks about. But I am going to deviate. This was one of Jesus' biggest miracles, and I think done in preparation for him coming back to life. It would be easier for people to believe when Jesus rose again because they already knew he had brought Lazarus back to life. It all makes logical sense. I'm just glad I wasn't Martha! As much as I want my David to be alive again, I could never live through his death a second time.

I had a dream one night that he did come back to life. In the dream I wouldn't let him go to sleep because I just knew he would never wake up again. Sure enough as soon as he fell asleep I had lost him again. The pain was so much worse the second time around.