18 years ago.....

I got married 18 years ago, today. I never thought I would get married. Who would want me? I am fat and ugly and if you listen to at least one of my sisters, I'm extremely selfish. But then there was David. I'm not sure really how long we had known each other before he asked me out. We went on our first date on April 19, 1997. We eloped to Las Vegas on May 31, 1997. Many people thought we had to get married. Furthest thing from the truth. We just didn't want to wait. And I was already afraid of losing him. One day he was going to wake up and realize he could do better, I was convinced of that. I guess one thing I can be grateful for is that he never left me, he died on Oct. 14, 2009. He was my once in a lifetime. I am so completely and utterly miserable without him! Somehow I need to learn to accept that I will be alone now for the rest of my life. I just don't see how I could get lucky twice in my life. I miss him so much, as much if not more today then when he died. I just want to be with my Bubba again! :(

"I can't tell if it's killing me, or making me stronger." Quote from Facebook meme

Still feeling just so overwhelmed by life! Cardiologist appt. on June 4th, until then just waiting. Dealing with allergies and/or another upper respiratory infection. Get tired just doing simple things. Have to save my energy for the days I work.

So last time I started posting about the article about sensitive people. Here is #2 from the list.

2. Not all of us are introverts. Introversion does not equal sensitivity. In fact, according to Aron's research, approximately 30 percent of highly sensitive people are extroverts.

It's true, and I am actually kind of a mix of the two. I like being around people, but I also like being left alone. Thing is, I want it on my terms. When I want to be around people, I do it. I make the effort. When I want to alone I don't always come out and say it, but if I REALLY want to be alone I do it. However I do not like being left out. The "oh she doesn't want to do it." Or the "oh she can't do it." How about you ask me and let me decide what I can or can't do, or what I want to do or not?

I'm a sensitive person!

I've always basically known this. But this article really brought it home for me: 13 things to know about highly sensitive people.

For the next 13 posts I make I will discuss one of the things listed in that article.

1. We're going to cry. When we're happy, when we're sad and when we're angry. That's because highly sensitive people just naturally feel more deeply and react accordingly.

It's true. I cry over everything and anything. Sometimes I feel like I am forever a teenage girl. Like because I'm an adult I should handle things so much better. But I don't, I just cry and cry and cry.

Today's tears were caused by finding out that at some point between April 2014 and December 2014 two different tests indicate that I had a heart attack!?!? What? I only found this out because I am supposed to have surgery on my knee this Thursday and now the anesthesiologist is refusing to do it because of this apparent heart attack. I have shown no signs or symptoms. Yes I have been chronically sick, I have hypothyroidism for Pete's sake! But when I had the ekg done back in December that first indicated I had had a heart attack, shouldn't someone have let me know then? So lots of tears today. Need to see a cardiologist to get clearance for the surgery. Which means odds are the surgery will get delayed, once again! So completely frustrated and stressed out. Which probably isn't good for my heart, you know since I supposedly have had a heart attack!

Day 40, "My purpose is to give life." - John 10:10

Gods purpose was to give life. Jesus' purpose was to give everlasting life. All he asks us to do is believe in him. He wants us to follow his laws, but he also understands that we are not perfect. He doesn't promise us a great life here on earth, but he does promise an eternal life after our life here on earth ends. I can deal with the not great life, but could I not be faced with problem after problem? Or at least get to that eternal life sooner rather then later? I miss my husband. I'm tired of being both sick and tired all the time. I've been told God still has a purpose for me. I wish I understood what that was. It might make this all more tolerable. I truly just want to do what God wants me to do. But I'm scared, tired, in pain, and just so lonely.

And this finally ends the 40 devotional that I started way more then 40 days ago. It took longer then the 40 days, but I did follow through! I finished it. I have plans for other "projects," they won't (well most likely won't) be daily ones. But series of things I want to discuss. Things that will help me get my feelings out. Writing about them, in theory helps me deal with them. I find this thought funny, because lately I am not dealing with them at all. But if I weren't getting them out how much worse could it be?

Day 39, "'Now come and have some breakfast!!' Jesus said." - John 21:12

Jesus said these words more then once. The second time to prove who he was after he had been crucified and rose again. I can't even imagine. I would love to go and visit where Jesus lived. Where he preached and where he died for us. I think it would be an amazing experience!

Day 38, "Every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." - Romans 8:28

I hope this is true. For me the most days then not I don't feel like it is for my good. I know that's the thyroid condition talking. Plus being a widow at the age of 40. But it's how I feel. The struggle is so tiring. Is tiring a word? Anyway it makes me extremely tired, in case you didn't know what I meant. I hope someday I look back on this and it all makes sense!

Day 37, "as the new day was dawning..." - Matthew 28:1

Fitting bible verse for me after yesterday. My emotions are under much better control. I hate the mood swings. I hate how my thyroid has caused me to lose so much control of my life. I am grateful for God and the people he has put into my life. Sometimes I feel like having a thyroid condition is like being an alcoholic. I have to take one day at a time. Thing is I don't want to deal with this every single day for the rest of my life. I am so tired of dealing with the pain, the illness after illness. I just want to feel healthy. I don't feel like that is to much to ask for. Obviously though God still has a plan for me and this is why I am still here.

Day 36, "Going to Pilate, [Joseph] asked for Jesus' body, and Pilate ordered that it be given to him." - Matthew 27:58

I wish I had something biblical to say about all of this. I wish I had it in me. But tonight, like so many other nights, I just don't. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. When I am in a deep sleep I don't know I am in pain. I don't know that my joints hurt, or my head, or my neck, o r my back, or my throat, or my ears,o r my knee. I don't know they hurt. I don't know how empty and alone I feel. I don't know how much I miss my husband. I rarely if ever dream about him. Which is both a blessing and a curse. The few times I have dreamed about him I wake up in so much emotional pain it isn't worth it. But not dreaming about him hurts too. I don't know how to explain it.

The whole God doesn't make any junk? I'm sure that's true. But how do we know what the devil creates? I don't know, not even sure what I am trying to say here. Just "talking" out loud I guess you could say. Just tired of struggling. Tired of the pain and agony of daily life. Just tired.

Day 35, "Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith." - Hebrews 12:2

Jesus is everything to us. Without him there is no us. And even though we try time and time again to go against him, he still loves us, he still died on the cross of us. He is our everything.

I'm still struggling with my emotions. I tell myself I'm going to just block people out of my life. But that isn't who I am. It isn't who God created me to be. I still thing he screwed up when he made me. But I'm here and there is nothing I can do about it.

Day 34, "Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted." - Isaiah 53:4

It was right before Jesus died, he cried out about God abandoning him. At that moment he felt completely and utterly alone. I understand that feeling. I realize you will say that God is always with me. But I'm going to be honest and say I hate it when people say that. It makes me feel defective. I don't know what it means to feel God with me. I'm not saying he isn't, I'm just saying I personally just don't feel like I feel it. Now there is every chance I do know how it feels, but because of how I was raised I have never had to feel that isolation. Does that make any sense?

But I do know how it feels to be all alone. Since the day my husband died, no matter what I do. No matter how I try to fill the hours of the day. I feel utterly alone every single day. Will that change? I hope so, but at this point I feel like it never will. There is just such an emptiness inside of me. A spot in my life that my husband had filled. I would never wish this in my worst enemy!