Day 22. "Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." - John 8:12

Lucado talks about a woman who has committed adultery. Back then if a woman is found guilty of adultery they were stoned to death. Not the man also, just the woman. Which is a whole different peeve of mine. But anyway the church leaders tell Jesus she needs to be stoned to death. He says basically only someone who has never sinned can throw the first stone. Yea, no one in the group could throw a stone! He also told her she was forgiven and not to sin anymore. Jesus sees a sin as a sin as a sin! It is not our place to judge our fellow man. We need to work on our own lives. Can we pray for othe sinners? Of course, but I it is not our place to judge them. Only God can judge, and he is such a lving and forgiving judge. We are so lucky, cause let's face it. Some of the crap we do no other person would forgive us!

Day 21. "He looked up to heaven and with a deep sigh said to him, Ephphatha!' (which means, 'Be opened!') ." - Mark 7:34

Jesus sighs. Not because he is upset with himself, or us. He sighs because it wasn't meqnt to be this way. If Adam and Eve had never eaten that Apple our lives would be so much different! But instead it is filled with pain and suffering. This makes Jesus sad. He has done what he can to save us. All we have to do is believe in him, accept him as our God. Our journey here on earth will not be without illness' or pain. But our afterlife will be beyond our imagination! But because of satan, our life on earth will be filled with unhappiness. Because of this Jesus sighs!

Day 20!!!! "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." - Mark 5:34

There was a woman who had been hemorrhaging for twelve years, twelve years! Can you imagine that? The weakness it would cause? I once had a period that lasted three months and it felt like agony. Twelve years is beyond my comprehension! Yet she managed to crawl to where Jesus was. She had heard of him and knew he and he only could help her. And so he did, he took her blackened, weakened hand into his own and he healed her.

Lucado points out that no matter what our illness is, even if it's of our own making, Jesus wants us to reach out to him. Jesus wants to take our hand and make it all better. Far to often though w are to afraid or to stubborn to reach out that hand. I know I am. I am so afraid of rejection. Even from Jesus. It's an irrational fear, but it is a very strong and real fear for me. I have no clue how to overcome it, but I keep trying. Thankfully Jesus is a patient man and is willing to let me work through my issues. He also knows I love him, even if I don't believe he loves me!

Day 19. "Even the wind and the waves obey him!" - Mark 4:41

this is just one of the many miracles Jesus performed. The boat was rocking and the disciples were scared, yet Jesus was sleeping. He wasn't worried. He knew nothing would happen to them. Just like he knows that if we believe in him nothing bad will happen to us. Now when I say that I am not talking about the bad things that happen daily here on earth. I am talking about the fact that we are promised an eternal life in heaven. Carrie Underwood has a song called "Temporary Home", she is talking about how earth is just our temporary home. Heaven is the real home we are all waiting for. It is where everything will be wonderful and complete.

I struggle with my emotions, with this life I am leading. I miss my husband, I am so sad that I will never have children. Everything about my life right now is so not what I thought it would be. I am not saying it is the worst life possible, I know there are people who are worse off then me. I know most of my problems are due to my depression with the other stuff thrown in. What really annoys me is people who moan and groan about life, but do nothing about it. I have this co-worker, I call her Debbie Downer! She is so pessimistic and always complaining about her life. Yet she refuses to get the help out there that is available. She is one of those woah is me types, nothing ever goes right. She had the nerve to tell me she has nothing to live for. She has a husband, a daughter and son-in-law, as well as three grandchildren. Yet she has nothing to live for? I am a widow who was never able to have children. I have multiple chronic illness', so what I should just give into that evil voice in my head that says to end it all? Compared to her I truly have nothing to live for. Yet I struggle against that thought. I am doing what I need to do to fight those voices. I take an anti-depressant, I do counseling with my pastor when I feel out of control. I am doing what I hope God wants me to do. She goes to church (catholic), is very active in it. Yet she just never sees that positive in anything.

Not sure where I was going with all of that, just needed to get it off my chest I guess. Except, people who can get help and don't. It just really annoys me. Especially considering everything I have gone through in my life.

Day 18. "What kind of man is this?" - Matthew 8:27

Jesus performs a miracle by day, then hangs out with the guys at night. I'm sure it was both confusing as well as comforting. He is exactly the kind of person you want teaching us! Someone with humility, compassion, common sense. Someone who is just one of the guys, oh yea and the guy who is going to save our eternal souls!

Day 17. " now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool...Here a great number of disabled people used to lie." - John 5:2-3I

When Jesus was going by this pool he stopped and talked to one man who could not walk. He could not get into the pool when the bubbling stopped. They believed the first one in after the bumbling stopped would be healed. Jesus asked him if he wanted to get well. The man said yes. Then Jesus healed him by simply telling him to get up and walk.

There are a lot of sick people in our world today. Most want to get well. Others, I think, enjoy wallowing in the pain. I want to get well. I don't want this depression to win! I don't want my thyroid to continue to be out of whack. I don't want to be so fatigued I have to talk myself into getting out of bed. I want to get well! Which is why my doctor is working so hard with me, she knows I want to get better. She knows I will do what I need to get healthier.

It is a daily struggle! This depression combined with the fatigue from my hypothyroidism. It kicks me in the butt! The last two days it has been all I can do to get out of bed to go to work. But I have done it. I won't let myself have any other choice. This is God working in me, I know it is! If I didn't believe in Jesus I don't think I would have the desire to even get better. For that I do feel blessed!

Day 16. "I'm here to invite outsiders, not coddle insiders." - Matthew 9:13

So the good news is Jesus doesn't care who you are. From a protest down to a tax collector or prostitute. The important thing was and is to teach everyone about God. For everyone to come to God. Not because they have to, but because they want to. It's also not about what you can give, it's allabout gods love and what he gives us. That's a wonderful thing, because no matter how good we are we will never be good enough to ern Heaven. Heaven is gods gift to us!

I want to write more. But today is a off/bad day for me. I am struggling emotionally and physically. 😔

Day 15. "They caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break." - Luke 5:6

so we all know the story. Jesus is out on the boat with Peter. The disciples hadn't caught a thing. But Jesus tells the, to go into dep water. Upon doing so they catch so many fish it is unbelievable. I like to think this story is told to us so that we can know many things. One is that we can trust God to do what he says. If he says he will take care of us he means it. Problem is trust is not something we as humans do easily. At least I know I don't. I have been hurt to many times in the past. It makes me sad, I want to trust God. But I just can't bring myself to do it, at least not 100%. I wish I was one of those people who do, I really really do. Maybe some day. I am working on it. Luckily no matter how much I can or can't trust God doesn't matter to him, he will never give up on me!

Day 14 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." - Romans 12:2

When Jesus was in Capernaum, they wanted him to stay. He could have done that. He could have set up his life there and not gone on to do what God had planned for him. But Jesus being so much wiser than we are, he left Capernaum, even though there were many still unhealed, and even more who still didn't believe. He knew what he was put on this earth to do. He kept going, kept teaching more and more people throughout the world. He was perfect. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all had that much will power? If we all knew what we were put on this earth to do? I have no clue what I am here to do. I feel like a waste of space most of the time, to be honest. I have said before, I am no one special. I'm not a religious leader. I am not a teacher, I'm not a mother, or work in the law field. I work at a bank. But so I've been told God has a plan for me. I serve a purpose and odds are I will never know what it was. Not until I have died and God reveals it to me. So I have to work on my faith, trust I am where I am supposed to be. Doing what I am supposed to be doing. And just waiting for that day when I get to go to Heaven and find out what I was put on this earth for.

Day 13! "And he was amazed at their lack of faith." - Mark 6:6

This verse! This devotion! This one speaks directly to me. I have such huge family issues. I am ten years younger then my oldest sister and nine years younger then my middle sister. That gap means we weren't really raised together. I want a close relationship with them, it's an internal struggle I have dealt with for most of my life. I look up to my sisters, I don't know if they realize that. See Jesus didn't have the relationship with his family that he wanted. They didn't understand who he was, what he believed in. They thought he was crazy and they were embarrassed to admit he was their brother. Now I don't think my sisters think I am crazy or are embarrassed to admit they are related to me. At least I hope not!!!
But here's the thing, Jesus had his faith family. The people who did believe what he preached to them. The ones who followed him, they became his family. They were the ones God intended to be his family. Family is not simply those you are related to by blood. They are the people who come into your life, who stand by you through thick and thin. You don't have to spend tons of time with them, you just need to love and appreciate the time you do spend with them. I am very blessed to have friends who have stood by me. Co-workers who make me feel wanted and appreciated. And yes family that include me in their lives. I have one cousin who is only 5 months older then me. He and I spent a lot of time together when we were younger. And his wife and I are really good friends. They were both there for me when I needed family. I also have a wonderful church family. These people I am talking about, I am so blessed to have each and every one of them in my life. When I am feeling down or upset I need to remind myself of this verse and how much alike Jesus and I are. He gets my pain, because he himself felt the same pain.

Definitely needed this one. And I guess this means God just spoke directly to me. And wow!!

Day 12. "He knows me inside and out." - John 4:39

Lucado discusses something else here. And that is fine. I want to talk about myself and how this verse makes me feel.  This is both a comfort and something to be ashamed of. He knows everything good about me, but he also knows everything bad about me. He knows the compassion I have, the empathy I have, how I try and put others before myself. He also knows my jealous bitter side, how I gossip, and every other sin I break on an almost daily basis. He knows my fears and insecurities. And here is the thing that is amazing he loves each of us anyway. He doesn't see our flaws like we do. He see's the good in is, he roots for the good in us.
Now I have always felt I wasn't worthy of that love. That I am not important enough or special enough for him to care about me. There are so many others in this world who are far more deserving then I am. And this is where that verse is supposed to come into play. Jesus loved everyone, the good and the bad. He would sit and talk to a Samaritan, who was repeatedly divorced, living with a man outside of marriage, just as easily as he would sit and talk to say a Pastor. I do find comfort in this, but I still don't believe he would ever want to sit down and talk to me. That I am worthy of him worrying about me and my life.

Day 11. "Both Jesus and his disciples were invited to the wedding." - John 2:2

Jesus was invited to a wedding. He wasn't invited because they knew he was the Savior. He just happened to know the couple and they invited him. This is all said to show that Jesus was just an average person in their world. They liked him for who he was, not because they knew he was the son of God. I think this is important. There is a saying that it isn't what you know but who you know. Can you imagine if the people around him knew he was the son of God? How differently he would have been treated when he was growing up. He needed to be one of us for us to truly appreciate him and what he did for us when he died on the cross. He was a son, a brother, a friend. These people loved him for who he was as a person, not because he was the son of God. Really pretty interesting when you think about it!

Day 10, "We have found the Messiah." - John 1:41

Can you imagine what it was like when the disciples truly understood who Jesus was? It's like when you go to Los Angeles or New York and run into a celebrity you have always admired. Jesus was and is the ultimate super star. No one can ever be as good as he was. No one can ever do what he did. These men were so blessed to have been chosen by Jesus to learn from him. To be the ones he wanted to continue his work after he had left us. It's like the ultimate dream team!!
I have often felt I was born in the wrong time. But which time would I want to go back and live in? I have always been intrigued by the civil war era, the clothes and just the way they lived. But then I read the Little House on the Prairie books and watched the tv series. I wonder if that era would have been a good one to live in. Things seemed so much simpler back then. None of the modern technology we have today. Though I do love my internet!! But I think the ultimate time for a Christian to be able to go back and live in was the time of Jesus. To have been in his presence. I think that would have been amazing!

Day 9. "He faced all the same temptations we do." - Hebrews 4:15

I can't even imagine Jesus going through forty days of temptation. The amount of strength and will power that took! I so suck at temptation. It is so much easier to give in to it. I know it's wrong, I always do. Yet time after time I give in to it. I am weak, we are all weak. Jesus was the one and only perfect person. It's as simple as that. We are so lucky that he was. That he was willing to take on all of our sins, it's just so amazing.

Day 8. "As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” - Matthew 3:16-17

There are so many thing I love about Jesus' baptism. For one thing John the Baptist is the one who baptized him. Many had thought John was actually the new come savior, but he wasn't. He was Jesus' cousin and he really helped lead the way for all the work Jesus had to do. Another reason I love it is because the moment it happens Jesus is allowed to again see into Heaven. To see everything he left behind and know he is right where he needs to be. I also love that Jesus didn't care if you were Jewish or Gentile, as long as you were a child of God, that was all that mattered.

So one of my "issues" is not feeling good enough, not for anyone and that includes God. I can tell you everything I have been taught and I can believe it to be true. But can't accept it to be true for myself. When I see someone struggling my first instinct is to pray for them. To ask God to help them, because I believe that is what he wants. He wants me to pray for others and he wants to help his children. Yet I feel very uncomfortable having people pray for me. Especially if any of my pastors say they are praying for me, my gut instinct is to ask them not to. I actually have even asked one of them not to when he says he is. Of course he is stubborn and says he is going to do it anyway. I just really feel uncomfortable about it, it goes into the not worthy. I see these people who have this confidence and so wish I had it. People think I have it, and when I tell them I don't and how I second guess everything I do they are amazed. I am good at hiding it, there are only a few people who have seen that deeply into my head. And it is such a struggle for me because every time I do gain any confidence if/when something happens to take it away I feel like I go further back. You know the whole one step forward, two steps back?  Mine is more like one step forward and three steps back. Self doubt tied in with years of being told you weren't wanted and aren't good enough, leads to one screwed up woman.

Day Seven. "Jesus went into Galilee, proclaiming the good news of God." - Mark 1:14

For tonight's devotion we talk about how Jesus had to leave his home. He had to move away from everything he knew and go out and preach the Word. As Lucado says he could very easily stayed home, been a carpenter and led a nice quiet life. But he didn't do that, he did what he was created to do. I am going to use a Harry Potter quote here, probably not the first choice for a blog post about Jesus, but as Dumbledore said;

"Remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right, and what is easy, remember what happened to a boy who was good, and kind, and brave, because he strayed across the path of Lord Voldemort." - Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - Spoken by Albus Dumbledore.

 Jesus chose what was right. It was definitely not easy and not something that everyone could or would even want to do. He was made to save us and so he did. It is up to us to accept that or reject that. And accepting that does not mean our lives will be easy peasy. Trust me, this one I live first hand. I do believe in Jesus, I do believe he died on that cross for all of our sins. I also know that every day is a struggle for me. Not because of anything God does or doesn't do for me. But because I am weak and the devil is so tricky. He knows my weakness' better then even I do and boy does he do a number on them. Some days I can fight it off easier then others. But like I said I am weak. Thankfully for all of us Jesus' wasn't weak and he did what was right, even though it was the hardest thing ever to do!

Day Six. "He's just a carpenter." - Mark 6:3

So here are some things we know about Jesus. He was raised to be a carpenter like his earthly father Joseph. But Joseph doesn't really appear to much in the Bible after around the age of 12 for Jesus. Did he die? Did something happen to take him away from his family? Sounds like from Jesus' teenage years and beyond he and his siblings were raised by only their mother. They didn't have the dual parent home so many seem to think is the be all end all. They were raised by their mother. Jesus as the oldest probably took over the role as the male lead in the family. He didn't come from a rich family, but they also weren't the poorest people for that matter. They were just your average middle class family living their lives. This is the man who would save us from the sins of the world. I think it says so much more that he came from this type of family. He understood struggles that a rich person wouldn't understand. I'm not saying rich people can't understand poor peoples problems, but I think after time they forget what it's like. The worry about if something goes wrong and suddenly you go from middle class to lower class in a blink of an eye. It's a struggle a lot of people in this would understand today more then ever.
So today was Sunday so church. The sermon was good, but for me sermons go one of three ways. I leave feeling no different then when I came in. I leave feeling better then when I came in. Or I leave if not feeling worse then questioning things even more then when I came in. On Wednesday it felt like God was talking to me. Today I know I should have felt like God was talking to me. That God loves me and cares about me. There is a part of me that hears that, that wants to believe that. Then there is the weak side of me that says there is no way God gives one fig about someone like me. That he has far more important people to worry about, to care about. I am nothing and no one. It's a struggle, one I wish I didn't have and one I fear I will have for the rest of my life. I wish I could believe I was loveable, but I'm not and for me that is a fact of life.

One of the Bible verses in church today was John 3:16 and I did take the picture of my Sunday school door window that I talked about on an earlier date.

Day 5. "And the child grew and became strong; he was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon him." - Luke 2:40

So today was the first day I tried telling myself I could skip a day. But I wouldn't let myself off the hook, not yet anyway!!

"And the child grew and became strong; he was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon him." - Luke 2:40

Lucado talks about how Jesus is the first time we get a glimpse that he knows who he is. That he wonders off from his family and they find him in the Temple. That he is basically drawn to it. But that when his parents find him he goes home with them. To finish growing up and learn the family business. Lucado says this is what we need to do. Teach our families first before venturing out. I think there is more to it than that. Jesus had to know that these people would not listen to a mere child.  That he had to grow up, he had to learn more. Not about God, but about life, in order for people to want to listen to him. For people to want to follow him. He had to become the man who would set us free, to have the disciples he had. Do I think we should begin teaching our faith at home?

Of course I do. I say I was raised Lutheran, but really got no knowledge of my faith from inside my own home. We didn't do devotions, when we did it as a family we prayed. Bit it was just the common table prayer, nothing special, nothing that would help shape my faith. I was a Lutheran because it was expected of me. I went to a Lutheran grade school. I attended church and Sunday school every Sunday, not because I wanted to but because it was what I as a child. I was confirmed, because it was what we did. I didn't put any real thought into it. When I moved to California I did start paying more attention to other religions. Then after David died I had a real crisis of faith. Did not believe in God or prayer or anything of the sort. After much banging of heads I came back around and I do believe my faith is stronger then ever. I am Lutheran now because I feel it is the right thing for me, it is the right faith for me. I am not the best example of a Christian, do not look to me on how to act or practice your faith. I am a sinner, I am jealous and bitter and I gossip and all sorts of other things. I am a work in progress and will be until the day I die. There are far better examples of Christians to look up to.

Day four. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16

So it's pretty obvious what we are talking about here. God sending his one and only Son that would some day die for us. So that we could go to Heaven. To know you are sacrificing your own child. The pain and humiliation he would go through in his life time. I couldn't do it. I couldn't be that parent and I couldn't be that child. But they say when you are a parent you will do anything for your children, because you want them to have the best. To have a better life then you had. And we are all God's children, from the moment we are conceived and again when we are baptized, we are his children. So really he sacrificed one for the whole. Jesus died for all of us. He was willing to take the bullet so to speak. And that I understand. I would have given my husband a kidney if I could. I would do anything for the people I love. So I do understand that kind of love. And it is because I am God's child I can understand it. It is an amazing thing to feel. And I think it is also why I struggle with my emotions so much. I sometimes feel to much, to deeply, to intently. I can't separate my pain from others so it all becomes mine. Which is a hard burden to bear. And this is where I need to turn to God, to give it all up to him. Let him take it from me, let him heal my heart. I just have a lot of trust issues and that would be to much trust to give for me. I am working on it, but it will be a long road.

Day Three.... "When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus." - Matthew 1:24-25

So here we are on day three, we should all be impressed that I even managed to do this for three days in a row. Of course the real test is doing all 40 days like I am planning, or better yet continuing to do this on a regular basis after the 40 days are up.

"When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus." - Matthew 1:24-25

Lucado talks about the impossible situation Joseph is put in. Here he is engaged to a young woman who suddenly is pregnant and not by him! Which would have been bad enough since they weren't married, but here she is saying she never slept with anyone. What was he supposed to think. Back then this type of situation would and should have resulted in her being stoned to death. And really how barbaric is that? And had she slept with a man outside of wedlock he would not be stoned to death. What the heck?! I know back then women were not viewed the way we are today, but seriously that is messed up IMO. It does take two to tango after all. But anyway, here is Joseph not really knowing what to do. Does he turn her in or does he stand by her, the woman he loves. And then an Angel comes to him and tells him not to worry, that this is all God's plan. That Mary will give birth to the Savior. So Joesph put aside the life he had planned. He stayed with Mary and was with her when Jesus was born and he was the one who named him Jesus. That had to be hard doing what God wanted instead of what he wanted. Putting aside his dreams aside for what God wanted him to do. The fear, the unknown, it had to be so hard. I would be second guessing everything!

Yesterday I said I wanted to post a section of a Psalm that really hit home for me, so here it is.

I am using The Message version because I really like the way he interperets it.
  

"Going through the motions doesn’t please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice." Psalm 51:16-17

My heart has been shattered for a very long time, even before my husband died. I feel like I have dealt with so much. David and I also dealt with infertility our entire marriage and were never able to have children. The hollowness that I feel because I was never blessed with a child and now being a widow. It is so overwhelming. But I have to keep reminding myself that God see's my pain and he doesn't want me to have it. He doesn't want me to despair. He is doing everything he can to help me. My problem is I have tunnel vision, I see my pain and nothing but my pain. There are times where I am so consumed by it that it all but eats me alive. I am working to get out of that frame of mind. It's part of why I am doing this blog. That maybe if I get things out in writing it will help take the pain out of me.

Day two! "And she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn." - Luke 2:17

I want to start off by saying Luke is one of my favorite books of the bible. Actually I like all of the gospels. And I say one of my favorites but my absolute favorite is the book of Ruth! But that is another discussion.
Today we talk about the devotional I just read. Lucado talks about the morning after the birth of Jesus. How Joseph had to be exhausted but Mary, well Mary was so full of love for her child that she probably couldn't take her eyes off of him. How she must have been in awe that this baby would some day lead as, would give us all of the hope and love that God wanted us to have. How overwhelmed she must have felt! There is a song that Amy Grant sings that really hits home for me when I think about Mary and everything she went through.

You can listen to here sing it here:

Such a beautiful song! And says so much about what Mary would have been thinking and feeling. I can't even imagine being a teenager growing up in that time and giving birth to a baby that you knew would one day save us all.

I had intended to post a section of a Psalm from my church service tonight but I left my program in my mothers car. So I will put that in tomorrow's post. It's something that really spoke to me and something I feel like I need to talk about.

Here we go! Day one.

So this blog has changed names and reasons a couple of times now. That it ever had any real activity, but if you have been here before and everything has changed, well it has.  I have been "encouraged" to start writing again. Be it a blog or a journal or even just writing my life story. While I feel writing my story would be therapeutic, I;m just not ready to face those demons yet.

I am clinically depressed, have been for most if not all of my life. Did not start getting help for it though until after my husband died when he was 42 and I was 40. It pushed me to close to the edge, way, way, way, to close. Here we are over 5 years later and the struggle feels just as hard for me as it did when I truly acknowledged my problem. I'm told I am not as bad now as I was then, but I don't feel that way. At least not today, today I feel like I am getting way to close to that edge again. I am lucky that even when I doubt myself, doubt my faith, God for whatever reason is that very silent voice in my head that pushes me to reach out for help. To talk to someone who won't take no or I quit for an answer. Who I also allowed to see exactly which buttons to push to make me not give in to what I want to do so desperately. And I totally blame you for that God! Yes I know you have big shoulders and all that blah blah blah, but so annoying!!

I was born and raised Lutheran (MLSC), went to a Lutheran grade school, confirmed, all that stuff. Except for 8 years that I lived in Los Angeles I have gone to the same church. It is my home, the one place where even though I struggle with my faith I feel most welcome in the world. I am the youngest of three children, but because of an age gape I am sort of like an only child. I have many nieces and nephews and now great-nieces and great-nephews. I love them all and would do anything within my power for them.

I have been overweight from I want to say around the age of 9 on. I used food as a comfort growing up. I wasn't pretty or smart or popular and food was always there. I also knew at an early age that I was not just an unplanned pregnancy but a mistake of epic proportions. Okay no one ever told me I was a mistake of epic proportions, but that is how I feel about myself. That is the depression talking, I get that, but doesn't help me to stop feeling it.

I moved to California summer of 1995 to do an internship for The Young and the Restless. I ended up staying until the fall of 2003. I met my husband while working at Universal Studios and we were married on May 31, 1997. I never thought anyone would ever want me, and no matter how often he said it there is still a part of me that doesn't believe he wanted me. I know that makes no sense, but again the depression blah blah blah. We moved back to my hometown in the fall of 2003 a year after my father had died. I wanted to be closer to my mother. My mother and I have, well I think it probably borders on a great relationship that can be and probably is toxic for me.

My David was diagnosed with kidney failure March of 2004. Went on dialysis December of 2006. Got a transplant from a living anonymous donor on December 30, 2008, and died from a pulmonary embolism on October 14, 2009. He was in a coma for a week before he died, I wish I had died with him, I think part of me did.

I have had a lot of illness' since then, nothing major, or at least nothing the world would see as major. No cancer or heart attacks or strokes or anything like that. I have the clinical depression, I'm obese, I am hypothyroid, chronic sinusitis (surgery for that so hopefully that one is going away) and basically four types of headaches. I have sinus headaches, tension headaches, migraine headaches, and was recently diagnosed with occipital neuralgia. The first three are easy enough to deal with, I can take this medication or that or do this or that. The occipital neuralgia is harder to treat and deal with. It mimics a migraine, which is why it took almost a year to diagnose correctly. I have had two steroid shots in my head to try and get rid of the headache and they helped for a week each time. I can only have three of those shots in a six month time period. The headaches are unlike any I have ever experienced, the pain so intense, even my hair hurts. Add in the fact that I also have insomnia, which is currently raging and this is why I am just shy of crazy. Oh yeah and I hurt my knee back in September and need to have surgery on it, but it happened at work and there are issues with the insurance and whether they will cover it or not, so I am getting to live with that daily pain as well. And those are just the major problems in my life. Just shy of crazy is so completely accurate!

Aren't you glad I didn't tell you my whole life story? I mean surely that was enough to give you an idea of who I am, but not even close to the full picture. So anyway like I said, I was "encouraged" to start writing again. I was watching Julie and Julia today and it gave me an idea. So I decided I wanted to force myself to blog about something beyond just me and my psychosis', and then I remembered a book I had borrowed from one of my pastor's when I first started on this whole treating my depression path.

With my insomnia I obviously am awake when I should be sleeping and often extremely frustrated by this. A lot of the time, especially when this started, I talk to God. Back then I questioned why he took David from me. Well anyway, the one night I looked at the clock to see what time it was and it was 3:16. Now anyone who is a Christian knows that John 3:16 is a very popular bible verse, for good reason. I even painted the window of my Sunday School room with the three crosses from Jesus' death and put John 3:16 on it. I had done it at Easter time and just never felt the need to change it. I haven't taught Sunday School in that room for several years and they remodeled the rooms to add a pre-school, but that left that window the way I painted it. That means something to me. Anyway my Pastor lent me a book by Max Lucado, who is a wonderful Christian writer. The book is titled 3:16, a very good read and I highly recommend it. The book includes a 40 day devotional. Now I should have started this on Ash Wednesday so it would end on Easter like he planned. But I didn't, I'm starting today. My goal is for the next 40 days to blog about this devotional. I am hoping that doing this will give me the kick I need to blog on a more consistent basis.

Day One:

The first devotional is about the night Jesus was born. How it was just an ordinary night, like every night before it had been. Here were these two people who were not rich or important, or even like pillars of the church or anything. They were just your every day ordinary people. And the first people the Angels told about this miraculous birth were shepherds, basically your lowly field workers. God wanted Jesus to be one of us, someone who others would feel comfortable with, at least that is what I think. Let's face it I am more likely to talk to anyone of my pastors then I would be to go to say the head of the entire Lutheran church. I would be to intimidated. I also think some times when people are to important we don't always want to listen to them, I mean what would they know about our lives, our struggles? So God picked ordinary people who would raise Jesus to be one of us.

ETA: I meant to include the bible verse that went with this devotional so here it is.

"Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.'" - Luke 2:13-14